Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do banks attach chains to their pens? If I'm trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   The guy who discovered milk….What was he doing with that cow?

   I wish Living Social had deals on health insurance

   I asked some guy for directions this morning and he said, "Go to the corner and take a right. It's about six miles, depending on how fast you're going".

   What happens on Facebook stays on Facebook, forever!!!

   I have a v@gina. I don't have to make sense.

   Before you ask me to leave, let me just say that some women would be turned on if I went through their underwear drawer.

   People Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Ins tagram

   Who else proofread something after they posted? Oh so I'm the only one......

   You ever posted something and before you can even proofread it there's like 50 million likes?

   I dreamed I had sex with my ex last night. I swear she ruins everything.

   Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?

   All women have at least one pair of jeans in their closet that's trying to kill them.

   Why don't television shows say, "You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?"

   You know what's worse than your tribal tattoo? The story about why you got it.

   After a long weekend without your phone, you learn what's really important in life. Your phone.

   Because I'm a rule-breaker, I'm going to wear white after Labor Day! What!? You got something to say about it, punk??!

   Naked breakfast on the couch watching my shows. Gangsta's paradise.

   When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.

   Waking up this morning was a stupid idea.