Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey fellas.... Do you buy your pants on sale? Cuz at my house they would be 100% off.....

   Spiderman isnt the only one that gets sticky hands after using the Web all day...... If you know what I mean ;)

   I hate when I'm at a restaurant, and they ask me, "Would you like a table?" , "No not all all, I came here to eat on the floor B!@tch!!!"....."Carpet for 3 Please!

   Hey baby you say you like it deep, hail Mary

   When I was a kid, I thought “running for office” meant that you'd have several people lined up for a race and the first one who reached the office won. Might have been better that way, no?

   Cerebrospinal fluid (facebook asks what's on my mind)

   Women who are addicted to sex are called nymphomaniacs, men who are addicted to sex are called man

   Finally got a kiss at my favorite spot......Thanks Herseys!

   I hate it when the cashier asks me a stupid question like. "Are you buying all of these?", "No B!@tch!!, I'm stealing, just wanted to show you first!"

   Iphones, so people know you're a douche bag with out having to say it

   I would hurt the people that I love for a taco right now.

   If you're going to be an ass, remember to be a smart one; not a dumb one.

   We're all sex addicts. Some of us just have better dealers.

   The best thing about being an a$$hole is never having to worry if people like you, because the answer is always 'yes'.

   If you sucked as much as your attitude does, all the men would be much happier.

   How much cocaine is 2 much? Do you think security will view me ridding the elevator from the 1st to 2nd floor for the past 3hrs suspicious??

   I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

   Suicide bombers invented blow jobs.

   Never underestimate the huge power of a sincere smile and a beautiful gun to your face.

   It's called ''Honeymoon'' because sooner or later, you wish you were on the moon far away from the devil disguised as ''Honey'' you just married.