Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."

   I can't live without y̶o̶u̶. FOOD...

   That mini heart attack you get when you reach in your pocket and your phone isn't there.

   Karma takes too long ..... I'd rather beat the sh%t out of you.

   I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

   That hilarious moment when someone tries to make you jealous, when you honestly don't give a fuck.

   I don't think the other guys like when I try to play footsie in the bathroom stalls

   wake me up when September ends

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ The NFL is back!!!!!!

   20 Years ago today, me and my wife got married.. And yes you can get less for murder

   She said I was never "romantic". I said just two words. "Morning. Wood."

   I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."

   I think its unfair that men and women are not treated equally...It just seems wrong that women can show a lil boobie and get out of a speeding ticket but when I show a lil ball I get arrested...It just aint right

   I swear that the restaurant I just left has a barber shop in the kitchen. Hair in food is better than saliva...no send backs.

   What a difference four years makes. Last time the theme was “Hope and change.” This year the theme is “Hope you don't make a change.”

   All these Parents today uploading Back To School Day photos of their precios kids are basically saying "Hey! Look what I Made!!" Get over yourself, you're ugly and so is your kid... Now smile, you douche!!

   Be yourself, you already have the costume.

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he's prolly just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thats what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together ツ

   if I had a nickel for every girl I slept with, I'd have...like...some nickels...

   My nickname for my mother was Hannibal Lecture.