Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that hates your parents as much as you do.

   I'm an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.

   How to win his love: 1. hold your own hair. 2. tell him he's big. 3. make him laugh at you. 4. be quiet.

   My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that breast implants are way easier than math.

   I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

   Sometimes I feel like I respect spiders just because women hate them.

   I wonder if the people who live above me will let me come up and pet their elephants...

   I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you are good with grammar you will get it.

   The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I'm kidding, it's her boobs.

   Today 9/6 marks the end of my 7 years of bad luck for breaking a mirror. just like this one here......oops, Oh crap, not again.

   I've tried listening, comforting and giving concrete solutions to your problem. Nothing worked. Is it me or your endless PMS?

   mexican word for the day: "Herpes". Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

   I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.

   Mexican word of the day "Budweiser" That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

   I'm just a boy. In love with a girl. Standing here quietly. Behind your shower curtain. Watching.

   Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

   I am the undefeated champion of this"smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don't-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day" game

   I never root for a mime or a guy with a chain wallet to walk it across the street successfully.

   A Texas man died during a lap dance at a strip club. His Tomstone is going to read "His wife said he was a good hubby, but he died with a chubby."