Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd rather lose an eye than show an old person how to use a computer.

   seen the calvin klein underware ad on youtube, haven't skipped ad in days. Well played YouTube, well played.

   what do we want? "a cure for obesity !" when do we want it? "after dinner!"

   I'm not saying she's fat...... But if you asked me to name my 5 fattest friends.... She would be 3 of them.

   for fun put some pop rocks in the cats litter pan

   Hey fellas.... Do you buy your pants on sale? Cuz at my house they would be 100% off.....

   Spiderman isnt the only one that gets sticky hands after using the Web all day...... If you know what I mean ;)

   I hate when I'm at a restaurant, and they ask me, "Would you like a table?" , "No not all all, I came here to eat on the floor B!@tch!!!"....."Carpet for 3 Please!

   Hey baby you say you like it deep, hail Mary

   When I was a kid, I thought “running for office” meant that you'd have several people lined up for a race and the first one who reached the office won. Might have been better that way, no?

   Cerebrospinal fluid (facebook asks what's on my mind)

   Women who are addicted to sex are called nymphomaniacs, men who are addicted to sex are called man

   Finally got a kiss at my favorite spot......Thanks Herseys!

   I hate it when the cashier asks me a stupid question like. "Are you buying all of these?", "No B!@tch!!, I'm stealing, just wanted to show you first!"

   Iphones, so people know you're a douche bag with out having to say it

   I would hurt the people that I love for a taco right now.

   If you're going to be an ass, remember to be a smart one; not a dumb one.

   We're all sex addicts. Some of us just have better dealers.

   The best thing about being an a$$hole is never having to worry if people like you, because the answer is always 'yes'.

   If you sucked as much as your attitude does, all the men would be much happier.