Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People go to the bar hoping for two things...to get hammered or to get nailed.

   Women must care about flooring more than men. I don't know any man who has left a room because the carpet did not match the drapes, but yet many women are left disappointed by a lack of hard wood in their bedroom.

   Hangovers ought to be called hangons because if it was over you'd feel much better for it.

   What has the world come too? I over heard some people talking. A 15 yr old girl said "I'm pregnant" and I think it was her aunt who said "Congratulations". Are you serious? Congrats? How about you just ruined your life, you dumbass wh0re

   Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there's a prize at the bottom.

   Women don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   I had to leave my new girlfriend. She was just going through too much stuff at the time. Mainly my phone and my wallet.

   Air Freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just taken a sh*t...

   My wife looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped wearing them.

   It's like my Fantasy Football players aren't listening to a single word of the speech I gave to my TV.

   To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she's capable of walking you haven't earned a damn sandwich!

   On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

   If you ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side, it might be because you need to take better care of your own sh!t.

   I don't hate anyone like I hate the person who waits for me outside the bathroom to finish.

   GOP strategy last 3 years: Filibuster everything to prevent the economy from recovering, wait for 2012, then ask why the economy is bad.

   FYI: We'll stop blaming Bush when you stop running on Bush's ideas!

   You don't know fear until you hear someone cough underneath your bed.

   According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   Listen lady, if you stop screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.

   I invented an app that detects your proximity to an obstacle as you walk and text, then takes your pic on impact and posts to Instagram.