Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This waitress just told me she was an actress. Based on her horrid impersonation of a waitress, it's not surprising she's still a waitress

   If I do it doggy style I get to multiply every minute I last by ten, right guys?

   Okay I'll stop. But I'm not going to collaborate or listen.

   It's probably tough being black these days, having to memorize all those handshakes

   I just tell ugly girls I have a paper bag fetish.

   Please FFS I have no interest in knowing what your tattoo means.

   How about at least a little wave to thank me for not killing you, pedestrians?!

   Samsung S3 is way much better id rather eat the Apple

   Was not impressed by iPhone 5 which just made me realize how important Steve Job was to Apple No thanks I am quite content with my 4s

   Me: Glad, I am very happy today. Life: lol!! one second :P

   The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn't know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.

   If you're male and you own a chihuahua, I have some important news for you: The armed forces now accept hom0sexuals, unconditionally.

   Demonstrators storm the US embassy in Yemen. Didn't Samuel L. Jackson already make a movie about this?

   Anyone who says you can't judge a book by its cover hasn't seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”.

   Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

   I suppose the Australians have never started a trend in real life, so why not just let them have their fun..

   I hate how my husband has to eat food every day.

   People who like their jobs probably don't think oral sex is necessary either.

   I had mice in my kitchen til I replaced mouse traps with tiny notes that said,"I'll love you forever". They left me for my neighbor.

   Don't even try to play mind games on those with a sharper mind than you.