Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember when the sentence "she wore a meat outfit on stage" would have been confusing & ridiculous? Oh, 2009...you were a simpler time.

   God traffic sucks today. So glad that 47 per cent of the people in this country don't even try otherwise traffic would be even worse!

   This girl just gave me her number but it's only 6 digits. I am not sure if she's playing games or just retarded.

   I was late for work this morning because there was a daddy long legs in my bathroom and thats where my work clothes were.

   I never knew what girls were like until Facebook.

   We now have proof that Osama Bin Laden is definitely dead! He showed up on the voter registry as a Democrat in Chicago.

   Monica Lewinsky is writing a tell-all book. I bet it's going to suck.

   That's all over the second we ride up ... troy's bucket

   I have no problem with you speaking your mind,,, as long as you can do it with your mouth closed.

   If I had a child, I would name him Carlos, just for the years of personal enjoyment of saying "Not at the table Carlos!"

   It's called dignity, sweetie.. and you're not gonna find it on your knees in the men's room.

   Does it still count if we only went half black??

   Stupid people with their "hello's" and "how you doing sir's?" and "do you know how fast you were going's?"

   Kids are just the best drugs. 5 nights of no sleep and I'm dizzy, sweaty, blurry, confused and can't walk a straight line. Who wants some?

   Tim Burton and Johnny Depp should probably start seeing other people.

   I'm looking for someone with emotional baggage that complements mine.

   Well, Red Bull, I still don't have wings but I do have the inability to talk coherently and I'm vibrating so hard, I think I just came.

   Really busy morning at the office trying to substantiate the hypothesis that the less you work, the less work you attract.

   A British accent can make a conversation about Justin Bieber sound like they just fixed the economy.

   With all the crap you write, you should be surprised when you get followers not when you lose them.