Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm the kind of dirty you can't wash off.

   If you see one of those people on the street swearing & muttering to themselves be nice, it's probably me trying to remember my passwords.

   There's no business like minding your own business

   Look, I can only be responsible for understanding my portion of the conversation.

   I'm only guilty of flirtation. If that's a crime frisk me.

   I see your wallet. And I raise my prices.

   Screw milkshakes, vodka and weed are the reason why I am in your yard.

   Kids you think you'll never use math, then the next thing you know you're trying to work out percentages in alcoholic beverages.

   I wish I could afford an Iphone5 like that girl in front of me in line on food stamps

   They should just create a channel called "Trash TV" & put all of the trashy shows on it. Their slogan can be "We'll rot your brain." Putting trashy shows on TLC & MTV gives a false sense of security.

   got the best Halloween costume for his P@nis: Tube Sock Shakur.

   BREAKING: Lady Gaga gains weight, decides to release new single "Porker Face".

   If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.

   Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.

   This morning I was standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

   There needs to be an app that deletes my memberships right before my free trials run out.

   If you're on the treadmill next to me, the answer is “Yes. We are racing.”

   Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.

   I desperately need a "hide political posts" button on Facebook so I can still like all my friends after the election year is over.

   If Apple made a car, would it have windows?