Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase, you can make it through today.

   why are we so mean to Mexico they give us drugs?

   Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!

   If I never use a smiley face in any of the texts I send you.....it's safe to say I don't like you.

   Be nice to your stalker. They just want to be loved...

   only dogs go for bones, Real men go for curves.

   Women, will you PLEASE tell your breasts to stop staring at my Eyes!? It's very offputting! How Rude!

   Nicki Minaj judging singers on "American Idol" makes about as much sense as Mitt Romney judging a drag queen contest in West Hollywood.

   I have a step ladder never knew my real ladder....

   The moment you understand the value of life, is the moment you die.

   I would much rather answer silly questions than try to fix stupid mistakes.

   Heck with the 7 Dwarfs, I have: "Not me"; "Don't know"; "Wasn't Home"; "Not Mine"; "Didn't use it last"; "Haven't Seen it" & "I'm Not Doing It!" living with me

   "Whats the fastest way to make a woman pick cotton?" "Set the string on fire!"

   Just got my name of the list for the new iPhone 6 due out next month..

   Being single at this time is not based on my wanting freedom to do what I want....It's more due to the fact that I want the freedom to not have to do what someone else wants.

   I use the iPhone technique to keep a woman- I tell her I've grown, I've changed & that I'm 2x better. It changes everything.

   I bet people who still wear watches are also the same people who still call radio stations requesting songs.

   I'm not the jealous type. And no I don't know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.

   Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...

   The perfect woman: 1. Beautiful but doesn't let it get to her head. 2. Intelligent without needing to prove it. 3. Funny as hell.