Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting older means telling the grocery store checker the full story behind every item you buy.

   MASTURBATION: because when no one else is doing you, sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands!

   If you can't tell thousands of strangers, who can you tell? - Facebook

   Knowledge is my weapon of choice in a battle of wits. I see you brought ignorance. This is gonna be a massacre!

   I saw a couple kissing, giggling, happy, being all lovey dovey with each other while I sat next to them alone. I threw up on them...accidentally

   that show "Intervention" should just be called "Haters"

   What does a Colt want to be when it grows up? A Bronco! Go Payton Manning

   When I'm ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring far longer than usual.

   I wish I could just “like” a text so I didn't have to respond.

   I told my girlfriend I wanted to take her to the fair because it would be romantic...that is better than admitting I just want cotton candy for dinner.

   I don't repeat gossip so listen closely the first time!

   No, but I do kiss YOUR mother with this mouth.

   Just checking in to make sure that there is ample drama in my timeline. Yup, looks good to me.

   i hate when things come between us, our clothes for instance

   My cat's black and he doesn't get offended when I use the 'N' word, so why should you?

   I have a bad habit of dropping pants as soon as someone knocks my bedroom door.

   Just had a near-death experience; almost used the wrong toothbrush.

   What doesn't kill you makes you pour a stronger drink.

   What I want is a woman who loves me for my money, but is really really bad at math.

   Me: Where is my superwoman? Her: Aaaw! Am in the kitchen babe;) Me: Typo, I meant where is my supper, woman.