Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my wife told me to dress nice. I laughed and said "we are going to walmart not church."

   I was proud of myself. I made it to 5 minutes into the p0rn video before I finished.... then I remembered that I fast forwarded to 4 minutes in.

   Spending quality time with the people that really matter reminds me of who I am and recharges my love, hope and drive. I'm forever grateful.

   I was wrapped so tight in my sleeping bag I turned into a butterfly.

   Doing a self breast exam. All I'm getting is a hard nipple. So I'm good right?

   With their elegance and confidence women truly are beautiful creatures...and if the opportunity was right I'd bang every single one of them.

   I'll be the sinner if you be the sin.

   After two divorces, I think I've found the key to a successful marriage. Don't marry a c unt.

   I would definitely arch my back for you.

   This whisky tastes like memories. Bitter memories.

   We scream at each other, we don't have sex and I'm always in trouble for the crap I didn't do. This isn't a friendship. .This is a marriage!

   I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!

   My wife wants me to teach her about Facebook. The first lesson is easy. You send me a friend request, I accept and immediately delete and block you and we all live happily ever after.

   Asleep, it's what my wife is while I am having sex.

   I can't even pronounce my safe word.

   I love looking up at a guy when I'm giving him head. Once we lock eyes, and I smile, I own your ass.

   A thief broke into my house last night.... He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

   Working on my (throwing rocks at) people skills....Just in case

   Ladies, please quote Marilyn Monroe more. After all, she was so smart and successful in her personal life…

   The Royal family are said to be "disappointed" over a French magazine publishing pictures of Kate Middleton topless. Me too, they're tiny.