Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to high-five after sex because cuddling with strangers is weird.

   I'm not crazy, but I was once abducted by aliens. They interrogated me. I didn't understand anything. I don't speak Spanish

   Overheard a guy say "Dis hoe jus said she ain't feelin me, Imma keep holla doe", which I think translates to "I make minimum wage"

   My daughter is bragging about the blood puddle she left in the grass at rugby. How's your Bieber-haired, skinny jeaned son doing?

   The balance of power in our relationship really shifted when he found out how much I enjoy sucking c ock :(

   Pretty bummed the iPhone 5 still comes with the phone feature.

   those who think printing koran on toilet paper is good better would be to print bible as there are more followers

   Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own ass.

   Whenever I see a guy in jean shorts I feel sad that he has nobody in his life to say, "You really shouldn't wear those."

   How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".

   Just got fired from my part time job working from home because "Apparently" when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants.

   Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself ……………………………………………from negative $hit.

   If your religion is worth killing for, then do us all a favour and start with yourself.

   I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.

   I'm taking my kids to see their mother today. Actually, we're going to feed some ducks but I'm sure her rotting body is still in that pond.

   I once peed a girl's name in the snow, so don't tell me I don't know romance.

   I have no idea how to get off the internet...

   Sometimes I want to linger in your mouth like an expensive liquor and sometimes I want you to slam me down like a cheap shot.

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I am your girl.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman mad for no particular reason...