Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Come to me dirty money, I will wash you clean.

   Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I'm going to the liquor store and I'm afraid it may be closed.

   I'd rather drown going against the current than glide along a journey I don't believe in.

   I like my women like I like my ribs. Sticky and all over my fingers.

   I'm a much better person than Mitt Romney. I only believe 30% of people are entitled freeloaders.

   does not see the justification why we often have to deal with temporary inconveniences that are created by permanently incompetent minds..

   There are two types of people who can tell you the truth about yourself: an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly.

   You unfriended me? Wow, you sure taught me a lesson.

   It's God's job to judge the terrorists...it's our mission to arrange the meeting." -U.S. Marines

   Ugly girls are like prime numbers - nothing will go into them except themselves.

   Wait, did Peyton Manning get traded to the Broncos or the Falcons?

   I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.

   We'll be corporate slaves in no time… if we vote for Rom ney 2012

   Dear Citizen, please stand still while your government tear-gasses you. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

   only I can prevent forest fires?? But I live in Oklahoma...

   In my most shameful moments I use the word "c*cksucker" negatively despite how greatly I enjoy having my c*ck sucked.

   "Oh my, they're not even wearing their seat belts; this is thrilling!" -Mitt Romney watches a Bang Bus video

   HEY,, I wrote the manual on ADD.. Well, it's 3 sentences,,,, The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.

   I'm guessing we call it "baby powder" because that sounds better than "adult ball powder"?

   Sex isn't sex without hair pulling, ass grabbing, neck holding, legs folding, lip biting, neck sucking, pillow biting, back scratching, etc.