Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently it wasn't a hit & run. Lindsay Lohan was just preparing for a new movie role. It's about a strung out has-been actress.

   I have never once looked at a security guard and thought "I feel totally safe with that guy on the job"

   Finally finished reading the iTunes license agreement. There's a killer recipe for duck a l'orange on page 6,374.

   Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to rise, hurricanes to sway around, no one is taught how to choose a wife, natural disasters just happen!!!!!!

   I am instituting a new policy. Whining will be met with an ax handle to the face. I look forward to this new change in policy.

   I want Liam Neeson to star in a remake of "Breakin' "

   Every time I hear someone say Right About Now, I end it with Funk Soul Brother.

   there are many things that will catch your eye but few will catch your heart

   Being a nice guy wasn't working for me so I converted to douche bagism.

   There are females getting ignored RIGHT NOW because football is back. Y'all will get the sidechick treatment all season. Keep ya head up tho

   laughter is the best medicine...unless you have diarrhea.

   I thought I met the girl of my dreams at the bar last night...until she said "hello" and sounded like that guy from the Allstate commercials! :/

   So they pay $1 million for commercials of starving kids but they can't feed them?

   We will probably never understand why girls fall madly in love with douchebags.

   Cougars: The younger women may have the energy, but they have the experience.

   Political opinions are like buttholes, everyone has one and no one wants to hear it.

   The words that make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life = "I need to talk to you."

   I can't believe they're holding off until Christmas for the M̶c̶D̶e̶a̶t̶h̶ McRib this season.....What better time of year for your McBowels to get the McMoves like McJagger and ruin your holiday?!

   Why the f$ck are you driving under the speed limit when you were in such a hurry to pull out in front of me?

   Justin Bieber is the Brand Ambassador of sanitary pads.