Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Worried cause I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, ipod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV but it was just my fire alarm. Phew!

   I hate it when a co-worker offers to make themselves “perfectly clear” but then I can still see them…and hear them.

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I bounce my boobs on the jfdslkhdjkhkjdvvgffdzbsldk;/ffdlskn\/njvglnxlk\cz/\/sl/\sn

   Respect for women, starts with your mother

   Tampons are in the right place, at the wrong time.

   A new poll actually found that 47 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney's running mate, which isn't too bad considering most Americans don't approve of Paul Ryan's running mate !

   Prius = douchebags gone wild

   What do you mean the stun gun was not foreplay?

   Masturbation - When you want a job done right you've got to do it yourself.

   Blood makes you related but loyalty makes you family

   I thought the new iPhone was supposed to repair my self esteem issues.

   I'm the kind of dirty you can't wash off.

   If you see one of those people on the street swearing & muttering to themselves be nice, it's probably me trying to remember my passwords.

   There's no business like minding your own business

   Look, I can only be responsible for understanding my portion of the conversation.

   I'm only guilty of flirtation. If that's a crime frisk me.

   I see your wallet. And I raise my prices.

   Screw milkshakes, vodka and weed are the reason why I am in your yard.

   Kids you think you'll never use math, then the next thing you know you're trying to work out percentages in alcoholic beverages.

   I wish I could afford an Iphone5 like that girl in front of me in line on food stamps