Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stupid people with their "hello's" and "how you doing sir's?" and "do you know how fast you were going's?"

   Kids are just the best drugs. 5 nights of no sleep and I'm dizzy, sweaty, blurry, confused and can't walk a straight line. Who wants some?

   Tim Burton and Johnny Depp should probably start seeing other people.

   I'm looking for someone with emotional baggage that complements mine.

   Well, Red Bull, I still don't have wings but I do have the inability to talk coherently and I'm vibrating so hard, I think I just came.

   Really busy morning at the office trying to substantiate the hypothesis that the less you work, the less work you attract.

   A British accent can make a conversation about Justin Bieber sound like they just fixed the economy.

   With all the crap you write, you should be surprised when you get followers not when you lose them.

   I'm not farting, I'm equalizing my internal pressure.

   It should be illegal to be up this early.

   The sooner you admit that you love me, the sooner I will stop spray painting my name in hearts on your car & leave you alone like all men.

   Just seen a mature dating site the photo has a woman with her chest thrusting out in a "provocative" manner , that's ok but the large tattoo of a tigers head emblazoned on the left one left me wondering"Just sayin"

   The movie "Ted" is just Stewie and Rupert grown up

   I told her I just wanted to be friends. She unfriended me on Facebook. Go figure.

   I've been awake for long enough in my lifetime to know that I prefer sleep.

   The left lane is for club members only. If you're not sure if you're in the club, move over.

   I just cleaned out my car, and to anyone whom I've ever accused of stealing my lighter, these 47 lighters and I would like to apologize.

   Eighteen is too young to get married! You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

   realizes that coffee just isn't enough today ... Anyone have jumper cables I can borrow ?

   I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake.