Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chill ladies. "Hi" is neither a booty call nor a marriage proposal. It's just a greeting...

   I swear this dude is the type that stands in front of the mirror every morning and whisper "I'm Beautiful!" How much do you wanna bet he's wearing a pantyliner!

   If the shoe fits, don't just wear it, strut that s hit b itch.

   I walk around with a toothpick in my mouth so crimininals know not to mess with me.

   All women are crazy but if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.

   I only get in the van if they offer me drugs and alcohol because screw candy I'm a grown ass man and you can't fool me.

   Her: I think it's over. Even after we made love last night he showed no emotion and just rolled over and went to sleep. Him: I hate it when my team loses. Oh well, I least I got some pu$$y!

   You know you're at a redneck 5k when some guy runs in flip flops...

   I'm not stalking you…I got your address off the envelope sitting on your coffee table in the background of your Instagram photo.

   Dear p0rn stars, bright shiny bleached a$$holes are great and all, but acne free a$$cheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.

   The only real reason I would want a daughter, would be to punch a teenage boy in the face.

   The more I drink, the more I spill. Secrets, that is.

   I'll be gone for a while beating off... I'm back!!

   To those who've been to hell & back, screwed by life, broke their hearts, yet still managed to keep a smile on... ...My utmost respect.

   Keep an extra condom in your wallet, you'll never know when you have to shut her kids up with a balloon dog.

   You're closest to death when you speak to me after I just woke up from a nap.

   White = psycho. Black = thug. Arab = terrorist. Humans = idiots.

   I get very competitive at all you can eat buffets.

   Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach.

   It's the rule of the life - the prettier the girl - the messier car; kinda a turn on.