Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So.. your changing your iPhone 4 just for a half inch?? Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same...

   You have to hand it to apple.... They added an half inch to the screen and still win the award for the hardest game of spot the difference

   It's important to keep your relationship fresh. So, always look for creative new ways to get even.

   The difference between guys and dogs is that dogs can be trained.

   Getting older means telling the grocery store checker the full story behind every item you buy.

   MASTURBATION: because when no one else is doing you, sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands!

   If you can't tell thousands of strangers, who can you tell? - Facebook

   Knowledge is my weapon of choice in a battle of wits. I see you brought ignorance. This is gonna be a massacre!

   I saw a couple kissing, giggling, happy, being all lovey dovey with each other while I sat next to them alone. I threw up on them...accidentally

   that show "Intervention" should just be called "Haters"

   What does a Colt want to be when it grows up? A Bronco! Go Payton Manning

   When I'm ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring far longer than usual.

   I wish I could just “like” a text so I didn't have to respond.

   I told my girlfriend I wanted to take her to the fair because it would be romantic...that is better than admitting I just want cotton candy for dinner.

   I don't repeat gossip so listen closely the first time!

   No, but I do kiss YOUR mother with this mouth.

   Just checking in to make sure that there is ample drama in my timeline. Yup, looks good to me.

   i hate when things come between us, our clothes for instance

   My cat's black and he doesn't get offended when I use the 'N' word, so why should you?

   I have a bad habit of dropping pants as soon as someone knocks my bedroom door.