Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we are all unique, doesnt that mean we all have something in common?

   Dear Lord.....Please lead the NFL out of this referee lockout and deliver us scab free officiating. Amen.

   Big girls DO cry (when they dont get to eat)

   I never called you stupid dear. But when I ask you how to spell Mississippi an you ask the state or the river...it kinda caught me off guard!

   R.I.P Lindsay Lohan... She didnt really but I'm practicing...

   Big girls dont cry (They eat)

   NFL replacement refs...Wonder if they think airplane windows roll down too...

   Any man taking longer than 20 seconds to make a decision on where to eat, is just distracted by his tampon springing a leak.

   If some people took parenting as seriously as they took training their dogs, there would be a few less screwed up individuals in this world.

   Don't you wish you could just start over sometimes? You know, like buy another large pizza after you just ate one and start over.

   I don't want a girlfriend because the only thing worse than being lonely is sharing food.

   If you give me a hug and you smell good you might need to dislodge my mouth from your neck.

   Sometimes it takes me a few tries to get the key in the lock.... So I totally get it you guys.

   I keep my wallet in my front pocket, that way woman are interested in something in the front of my pants.

   I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.

   Coffee isn't a matter of life or death; it's a lot more important than that.

   I have a v@gina full of crazy and I'm not afraid to use it.

   ”How about it mate?” Australian women can be so romantic.

   It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned...

   The new Kanye West sex tape will prove whether or not he can keep up with a Kardashian.