Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any man taking longer than 20 seconds to make a decision on where to eat, is just distracted by his tampon springing a leak.

   If some people took parenting as seriously as they took training their dogs, there would be a few less screwed up individuals in this world.

   Don't you wish you could just start over sometimes? You know, like buy another large pizza after you just ate one and start over.

   I don't want a girlfriend because the only thing worse than being lonely is sharing food.

   If you give me a hug and you smell good you might need to dislodge my mouth from your neck.

   Sometimes it takes me a few tries to get the key in the lock.... So I totally get it you guys.

   I keep my wallet in my front pocket, that way woman are interested in something in the front of my pants.

   I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.

   Coffee isn't a matter of life or death; it's a lot more important than that.

   I have a v@gina full of crazy and I'm not afraid to use it.

   ”How about it mate?” Australian women can be so romantic.

   It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned...

   The new Kanye West sex tape will prove whether or not he can keep up with a Kardashian.

   Can facebook just give me one big ass button to press so that nobody is ever able to invite me to any event or group?

   Not everyone comes here for attention. Some just need a place to dump their thoughts to prevent them from driving them insane.

   I know you love me baby. I know. Which is why I got this restraining order on your ass.

   I've been wearing my GF's panties and stretching them out. Now she thinks she's losing weight.

   After further review, the runner did not touch second base, therefore the Celtics win! LMFAO! These refs are more of a joke then this status

   Are you freaking kidding me!!! These replacement refs are a bigger joke than John L. Smith...

   Maybe the Packers should have asked for a discount double check.