Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I went out to get my GF some milk and got blown into the f*cking bar.

   i hope Boeing makes Romney a special plane with his windows that go down....its gonna be the short plane

   If things were to turn around, I seriously doubt that one cat would take in 26 old ladies.

   Keep your head high and your middle finger higher!

   It's national pancake day! Small breasted women are FINALLY happy!

   I finally understand it, airplane windows should open so you can let the stench out.

   Bacon shortage? Can't we just sacrifice Rosie Odonnell and fix it?

   So the Kanye West sex tape has been leaked... It's just footage of Kanye wanking while looking at his own reflection in a mirror.

   c[_] see that... It's my care cup... And it's kinda empty -.-

   Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o'clock in the morning.People only notice it because it's annoying.

   Women always say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonald's outfit no one will even talk to me

   ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you

   1 rule as a Realtor. Find clients budget and only show them homes priced 50k higher…

   Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Allah, Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Allah, Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... BLAH! - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

   nothing screams "loser" like a wedding ring tat from your 3rd marriage...

   ugh...so much for my iphone 4 neck tattoo.

   POF may say it short for Plenty of Fish, but I'm pretty sure it's Plenty of Fatties…

   When I go to a restaurant alone, I always ask for separate checks.

   You can tell a lot about someone by the swastika they've carved into their forehead.

   A stranger accidentally touched my arm today and now I have to get drunk to forget about it.