Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear p0rn stars, bright shiny bleached a$$holes are great and all, but acne free a$$cheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.

   The only real reason I would want a daughter, would be to punch a teenage boy in the face.

   The more I drink, the more I spill. Secrets, that is.

   I'll be gone for a while beating off... I'm back!!

   To those who've been to hell & back, screwed by life, broke their hearts, yet still managed to keep a smile on... ...My utmost respect.

   Keep an extra condom in your wallet, you'll never know when you have to shut her kids up with a balloon dog.

   You're closest to death when you speak to me after I just woke up from a nap.

   White = psycho. Black = thug. Arab = terrorist. Humans = idiots.

   I get very competitive at all you can eat buffets.

   Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach.

   It's the rule of the life - the prettier the girl - the messier car; kinda a turn on.

   There's no shame in being afraid. Hell, we're all afraid. What you gotta do is figure out what you're afraid of because when you put a face on it, you can beat it. Better yet, you can use it.

   : It's hard to fight the things we are afraid of. Sometimes we just need a little help.

   People don't hate you because you're beautiful. people hate you because you're a nasty b itch.

   At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling

   I just want a girl who'll sin with me all week long and then sit next to me at bible study on Sunday.

   I promise to love you for better or until things get worse.

   Get off goddamn Internet, go out & live your life! I'll be here when you get back. :)

   I have ADHD. Yup..... high-definition TV in the years after the birth of Jesus.

   I have a confession to make, but I don't think any of you here are priests.