Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I get arrested, I am going to ask for a tweet instead of a phone call.

   Lady in front of us in 15 items or less lane with about 30 items, so I smiled and said "Math wasn't your strongest subject,was it?"

   Alcohol is god's way of telling you you're pretty.

   Lucky for you there seems to be no shortage of people willing to settle for less than they deserve.

   If I say something profoundly insulting and you think it's about you, might be time to reevaluate who you really are.

   I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

   My girlfriend doesn't have any superpowers, per se, but she is pretty good at making me forget my name using only her tongue.

   My dog likes to stand and stare at the front door for no reason because he knows the idea of unexpected visitors freaks me out.

   Just went down to get my driver's license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they'll just think I'm spastic.

   Our love making is great but it's the talking, cuddling and intimacy I enjoy the most…..ok, she's gone. It's really the sex!!

   When someone yells STOP, I don't know if it's In the Name of Love, it's Hammertime, or that I should Stop, Collaborate, and Listen.

   No, autocorrect. I don't want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that's fine.

   I hate it when a tickle fight gets out of hand and you end up having to bury a dead hooker in the woods.

   I have never "Officially" done Yoga, but I did have to get up in the middle of last night and pee.........while erect.......so I'm pretty sure I'm qualified to teach a class now.............(If you are a woman, don't even bother trying to understand this)

   Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking friday.

   I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that said "Honk if you have a small Pe nis" then intentionally cut everyone off in traffic.

   if you think your job sucks, try being the guy who tests rectal thermometers.

   If at first you don't succeed, lie and say you did.

   when did the country's concern for money go from Wall Street to Sesame Street?

   Dear ex, I wouldn't delete you as a Facebook friend. I want you to see the happiness I found after you left.