Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im just going to assume that food stamps come with an Iphone, new airmaxes, and rims for the cadillac they give you.

   If my girlfriend falls on the floor, does the 3 second rule still apply?

   If people hate you for no reason, give them one.

   As soon as the regular officials screw up a call, we will be booing them. I wish we paid am much attention to the presidential election as we did the nfl refs.

   An Alligator bit off an 81 year old women's arm in Florida, I guess 81years without getting your arm bitten off is a pretty good effort...

   **News Flash** The real NFL refs will be back on the field tonight for the Browns/Ravens game. In other news, Footlocker hired a bunch of people and are now fully staffed again.

   Your third grade spelling is what really made me laugh!

   Honey the only reason I'll ever kick you out if bed is to Feck you in the floor.

   Oh I'm sorry.. I didn't know it was "bring your feelings to work day".

   Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too

   I'm holding tryouts for my band tonight... So far it's Crackhead Tim on flute & Captain Potato salad whispering into a paper cup,,, so we're kind of just looking for dancers.

   "Your Only Fools and Horses addiction is ruining my life," shouted my wife, "I want you out of this house right now!""Ok," I replied, "I'll fetch the suitcase from the van."

   I've come up with a new chapstick that helps fat people lose weight. I call it "Superglue."

   No smartphones for my kids. They need to suffer from years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did.

   My boyfriend says I treat him like a child. So I gave him a sticker for standing up for himself.

   I hope the woman of my dreams delivers pizza, otherwise I'm never gonna meet her

   That wonderful feeling when your anus itches and your fart vibrates just enough to satisfy the itch...

   Tonight I saw a man pull the stick from his corn dog and eat it without the stick. It was me. I did that. I am capable of anything.

   I am not an alcoholic... I have an alcohol fetish.

   Can I still call it mimosa if its in a flask?