Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was on the exercise bike for almost 30 minutes just now. It was pretty easy. Tomorrow I may even try using the pedals.

   I swear the question "what do you want to eat?" Leads to more fights then any other phrase..

   if you use "damn" as an adjective.... you might be a damn dumbass.

   Dont let your daughter wear makeup at 10, date at 12, wear provocative clothing at 14 and then wonder why she got pregnant at damn 16!!

   Lesson I Learned From My Kid #122: NEVER underestimate the rejuvenating powers of a spaghetti sauce facial/body scrub.

   Life holds many challenges an can be quite frustrating. Especially for you because you're a dumba$$.

   I've quit smoking, drinking and swearing! I still lie though!

   When I was kid, werewolves and vampires were scary. Now everyone wants to damn date them.

   "Oh, you're gonna eat the peach cobbler first??,, huh fatty??,,,,, You sicken me." - Mean Cuisine

   UNINSTALLING OBAMA..... █████████████▒▒▒▒▒▒ 89% complete.

   Be careful when clicking links on FB. There is a new one going around that says if you click it, it goes to a page where you can get the new Nickelback album for free. When you click it, it takes you to a page to get the new Nickelback album for free. :/

   I was feeling a little under the weather. But surprisingly, I got down from my desk chair and I felt better? It must have been the high altitude.....

   One man's potato is another man's vodka.

   Resist the urge to argue with idiots.

   What I lack in confidence, I make up for in whisky.

   Of course I do respect the dead. I don't respect anyone unless they are dead anyway.

   I ate so much Chinese food this week I can feel my d ick getting smaller. Related: eating fried chicken all next week.

   I only look in your bathroom medicine cabinet to see how much we have in common.

   If you dance like no one's watching you, you will never get laid.

   If I get arrested, I am going to ask for a tweet instead of a phone call.