Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All women are crazy, but it takes just one a$$hole to bring it out

   My wife does all the cooking. Except the meth. I cook all the meth.

   Was asked if I have a drinking problem. I said no, I've got it figured out

   I hope skinny jeans are going to be around for a while because I sure as hell can't get these things off.

   I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn't dilute in the shower.

   I grew up in a loving home with supportive parents. It's been very creatively frustrating and limiting.

   You're not too young for me; you just haven't lived enough.

   I need hospital etiquette advice here guys. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

   How a woman crosses her legs can say a lot about how she feels about you. For Example: If they're crossed over her head, she probably likes you

   If I ever become a serial killer I'll probably be known as The "I SAID NO PICKLES, B ITCH" Drive-Thru Strangler.

   A man skilled at breaking his urine flow will be equally skilled at holding his ejaculation... I dunno, I really just make this s hit up.

   People hate pigeons because "they are dirty and spread diseases" but the Kardashians and the cast of Jersey Shore do it and pigeons don't hate them....just sayin

   If they made Siri a man's voice I'd trust the directions more.

   It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a favorite Kardashian.

   Everyone at this Walgreens is acting like I'm the only person to ever scream out their safe word while getting a flu shot.

   When I'm alone my right hand starts to freak out..Im Sexy And I No It!

   Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."

   When I say, "No problem," I mean, "YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOUR FOREVER."

   wondering if the new iphone 5 comes with some kind of food stamp app

   a Google girlfriend....im always searching for her :(