Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you were mine, your next boyfriend would thank me for straightening your clueless and inexperienced ass out.

   I named my truck Karma, so if I ever run someone over I can say: Yeah…it was Karma.

   Voting for president is getting to the point where it's simply which guy would you rather watch dump all your money into a toilet and flush.

   If you don't grab the opportunity by the ass someone else will.

   My wife only drinks so she can tolerate me when I'm drunk.

   Fellaz; Stop whining about being friend zoned. I'm sure it's an upgrade from the usual “Never in a million year”, “Not if you were the last man on earth” or “leave me the hell alone”. At least you are not in the dead zone.

   If girls were dinosaurs they'd be dramasaurus.

   Given that he's a wrestler, do you think Hulk Hogan was "REALLY" having sex on that tape?

   Buses are just limos for poor people.

   Calories are tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter every night.

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states," the other state is always Kentucky.

   Killed a spider without screaming so I'm pretty sure I'm about to get elected as the next Secretary of Defense.

   I Just backed into a Jaguar, but I left him a note on my bank statement,, so he knows not to bother calling

   “Don't worry boss, I'll make you look like a genius!!” Joe Biden

   Anyone know how to get half a cat out of my car grill? Anyone???

   These gas prices are crazy,I'm tired of being Sandusky'd every time I fill up!

   I've learned so much from my mistakes...I'm gonna make a few more.

   I'd like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

   it sad that the plans I make after work depend on how much charge I have left in my phone battery?

   I just gave the guy who called with the wrong number and woke up my newborn the Liam Niesen speech from Taken.