Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If he asks me to marry him that means he doesn't want to have sex anymore, right?

   If I ever go to prison, I'm gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

   I didn't lose my faith, I found reality.

   There's pizza in this conference room and we're still talking instead of eating. THIS IS HOW SERIAL KILLERS ARE BORN.

   If you're going to take me on a date to a karaoke bar, we better have sex before we go because I'm going to leave you there.

   I prefer to drink in the comfort of my own home where I can yell and scream at the ones I love in peace and quiet.

   Some dude just gave me the finger guns and said "cool beans, bro." It's a beautiful day for a little arson.

   I hate when I visit the doctor and he smiles at me like everything is dandy. I'm sick you moron. Act grim, like the world's ending or something.

   Has either candidate even addressed the fact that we're running out of stripper names?

   I suspect Adele ate her last name.

   What the hell did we do during blow jobs before cell phones?

   The biggest obstacle bi-racial, Kentucky couples face is agreeing on which liquor name to give their daughter.

   My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

   ‎"Message Seen" in Facebook I'm is the absolute best way to weed out "Friends"

   Why is the literature with my ADD meds so long?? Don't they know I have ADD??

   The Judge denied Jerry Sandusky's request to serve 30-60 in a Juvenile Detention Center.

   It makes me very uncomfortable when the doctor is checking my balls for lumps. Especially during a prostate exam.

   My girlfriend wanted matching tattoos but they are permanent so I just asked her to marry me instead…

   We're all just nudists in disguise.

   blames everyone for his problems."Except Shaggy, because we all know it wasn't him".