Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When everyone was giving apples to their teachers, I was the one giving cucumbers... Still to this day, Mr. Smith won't look me in the eyes.

   I've reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."

   MiO is the best invention ever. I keep a red colored one on my desk now and no one bats an eye when I drink this vodka and cranberry at work anymore.

   I was just charged 8 dollars for a grilled cheese sandwich. I blew my rape whistle in the waiters face.

   It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.

   Maybe I should be Tony Romo for Halloween so kids can intercept candy that I pass out.

   I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.

   When my girlfriend and I decided to make it official, I told her: I have to tell you, before we met, I was... well...promiscuous. Oh cool she exclaimed. I love Greek mythology.

   The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people that there's an empty parking space when it's actually occupied by small cars.

   If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.

   10-11-12..........Happy I can count past 9 day.....:-)

   Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.

   "It's the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.

   If you ever need nothing I am here for you.

   Remember to smile at your enemies. It makes you the bigger person, plus your smile will be prettier than their frown. They hate that.

   OK, the coast is clear; you can stop acting normal now.

   If a book about failures doesn't sell is it a success?

   Some people say, “Facebook me” while others say, “Follow me.” But, I miss the classic, “blow me.”

   Life is weird, first you wanna grow up, then you wanna be a kid again..

   I'm a smart person... I just do stupid things..