Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you

   Watching The Walking Dead, everyones finally safe and theres no dang...wait...Wheres Carl?

   Mary must've given some pretty good head for Joseph to buy into all THAT shi t.

   I told my girlfriend that I would accompany her on her shopping trip to the mall. I have packed enough food and water to survive for three days.

   You would think dressing spiders up as clowns would make them less scary, but it doesn't, it's way worse, I was so wrong on this one.

   all my mistakes have had names.

   Heard a rap song that didn't mention money, cars or hoes...Now i'm frantically trying to remember whether I took the blue or green pill!

   Screw you guys who say you like crazy but when you meet true crazy you back off.

   "Sometimes you have to be really high, to see how small you really are, I'm going home now." - Felix Baumgartner

   The slower the kiss, the easier for love to slip through.

   Love is not only for lovers, it is also felt by friends who understand each other more than lovers.

   Yuck. There's nothing more disgusting than cigarette butts in the urinal.. What's worse is that their so d@$% hard to light!

   I would probably leave my wife at this gas station if I knew how to make sandwiches.

   I don't trust Penguins. I know you can fly!

   Having a p enis doesn't make you a man. Getting mad at some Ikea wood pieces after not reading the instructions makes you a real man.

   Music doesn't deserve our bad memories.

   Quick! Marry me, I'll explain later.

   A broken spirit doesn't stay broken forever. When it's whole again, God have mercy on my tormenters, because I won't.

   to all bullies out there enjoying what they do: One day you will have kids too...have fun when they get bullied, I know I will! ;)

   "Balloon boy" and his Dad are watching this launch, envious on an incalculable level!