Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I go to the grocery store I pretend like I'm putting together a jigsaw puzzle of what I would like the inside of my fridge to look like

   Apparently my back just started puberty. So I got that going on.

   Someone needs to remind men in their 40s that tucking the T-shirt into their jeans does not make them look any younger.

   Love sucks. True love swallows.

   Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.

   Maybe one side of the V-shape is longer than the other because geese have retards too in their flock.

   please stop quoting the bible on your every other status, we all have our own copies.

   Believe in God, but never forget to lock your car !

   You're as useless as the G in Lasagna

   October 13th is No Bra Day!?!?!? it's everyday for me when I get home from work!

   ahhhhh....the muscle relaxers are finally kicking in.....they work SO much better when you take them with a half bottle of vodka. Wonder why it doesn't recommend that on the prescr

   They say you are what you eat...so I'm gonna eat a skinny person

   Have you ever seen a flock of geese flying in a V formation and wondered why one side is always longer than the other? It's because there are more geese on that side.

   it's finally time to put the coffee away!! Cheers :)

   thinks that you're an X-Large fruit basket.

   ..... YUP ....... Back my day .... computer technology used to be a lot tougher than it is now....... Heck I remember when mice had balls.

   47 min: My monthly record for using my phone as a phone

   I just made 8 cinnamon rolls disappear. I'm the saddest magician ever.

   Even with all the many different types of social media, nothing beats ignoring idiots in person.

   Axe Body Spray needs a seasonal pumpkin spice scent to drive the ladies crazy.