Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like an ongoing series of slaps in the face with a sweaty sock.

   Letting someone with braces blow you is like a Saw movie to your p enis.

   I've just turned a mortgage payment into wine. Your move, Jesus.

   Just a friendly reminder that the world supposedly ends in 74 days.

   it's not fair that haunted houses pay someone to dress up & chase customers with a chainsaw but grocery stores won't let me do it for free.

   Michelle Obama's motorcade escorts injured in Ohio Crash- Yahoo News Headline... Yahoo Dude!! You really need to work hard- CNN.

   Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion?words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the bathroom.

   There will be no sandwiches after sex. There will be either sleep or death. Enough with the sandwich talk.

   The Broncos just announced that they are inducting Phillip Rivers in their ring of honor next week.

   Why can't rappers rap about nice things? YEAH GIRL I'm GOING TO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHS AND ....... Give them to a homeless guy because he's cold

   A real man should never wave faster than he SAYS the word "hey"

   guess I shouldn't have pre-mixed my vodka and OJ. My kids went to school drunk today...

   You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you

   i had a sexy cashier tonight at the store....it was self check-out

   Damn! Guess I'll cancel my 19 mile high skydive scheduled for next week...

   Presidential debate #2 tomorrow.... Have you started drinking yet?

   Hey Target, it's Mid October, calm down on the xmas stuff!-Santa

   OK ladies, my Dr said my heart is healthy enough for sex!!!

   If you get with me you will be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2

   Democrat parties have weed, Republican parties have hookers. Tough call...