Funny Status Messages

   my ex-girlfriend walked by me today with her new boyfriend, they both laughed, so I smiled and told him "you must be use to having seconds"

   Last years Halloween hand-outs of cough drops and marbles were such a hit, I'll be adding baby aspirin and cod liver oil to this years rotation....Trick-or treat! ツ

   Lady GaGa just signed a deal with a major corporation to represent her new clothing line. Hillshire Farms.

   I'm allergic to tequila, I break out in handcuffs.

   Ever notice the word "bed" looks like one?

   Got a job at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. I start tomorrow. In the Beyond department.

   "I was country, when country wasn't cool"....newflash...it still isn't.

   "He died doing what he loved, which was clinging to life and trying not to die, which he was very good at until recently."

   I don't call it "Drinking Coffee" I prefer "Installing Java."

   As I was filling up my gas tank I realized I didn't want to eat this week anyways.

   ;•į <~~ one eye drunk texting face!

   Keep on scrolling. I don't want any trouble.

   I always do things for the wrong reason. Like, watch the World Series for the organ music interludes.

   I'm sick of having to pick up women's jaws after I walk into rooms.

   Everyone you meet comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.

   "Well that's the last time I ever take one of those spinning classes... felt like an idiot being the only one twirling around in the middle of the room while everyone else sat & looked at me like I was stupid :~("

   I love to put a box of cheerios in the mouth of the loved one that snores everynight

   Being Hugh Hefner's ex is as prestigious as being tall enough to get on a carnival ride.

   When you get home this evening, surprise your family by kicking the door in.

   It's that time of year again. Scary decorations, terrifying advertising, and random people going door to door. Election season.