Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys will go to another barber and feel guilty... but cheat on their girl and go home like nothin happened

   Does everyone asking questions during the debate have a deviated septum??

   If you can't figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking.

   Obama & Romney focusing on the middle class & refusing to discuss the poor is like Kobe focusing on taking shots & refusing to pass.

   All I wanted to watch on TV tonight was, "the biggest loser." Looks like he's on network!!

   The cat puking in the middle of my bed was NOT the type of wet spot I was hoping for.

   Me and BIG BIRD, going down to Sesame Street to see if we can buy the moderate a lie detector.

   Who's Kony's favorite rapper? Soulja Boy. Buh duh tsss.

   These debates are cool, but I think Romney and Obama should just skip the last debate and do an episode of "Wife Swap" instead...

   Ironically it's the things people don't say that tell you everything you need to know.

   Does anyone know the recipe for 'I DON'T KNOW' because everybody in the house keeps telling me that when I ask them what they all want for dinner.....

   Fun activity of the day, making DJ scraching sounds with my hoodie zipper!

   My new girlfriend is a cagefighter. They all are, for the first day or two.

   Picking up a tiny piece of paper off the carpet would probably only take me one second... But for some reason I'd rather vacuum over it 100 times, at different angles...

   Men and women react to pain in different ways. If a man is hurt he'll try hard to conceal it from his friends, and look to his woman for sympathy. If a woman is hurt she'll suffer in silence, and tell everyone.

   I'm beginning to think these 'bored housewives' I'm seeing in pop-up ads are lying. I've had several come to my house and not one of them would cook.

   I should do my own TV series........... Man vs Drink

   I organized an office party at work today. It was a great laugh, until my boss unexpectedly walked in.

   Now that Fall is here, do you think all the teenage girls with duck-faces will fly South for the winter?

   Dear Religion, This week I safely dropped a man from space while you shot a child in the head for wanting to go to school. Your pal, Science.