Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't text you, vodka did.

   Why are they called One Direction? Looks to me like they go both ways.

   My boss; Are you Tweeting? Me; No, I'm Tworking Boss; What? Me; Hello Tweeting while working Boss; That's not a real word Me; Twhatever

   Thirsty Thursday should be a national holiday!!

   So if I get the job at Walmart,,, do I pull my own teeth out,, or does it happen during orientation ?

   Everyone's like "I love Obama" or "I love Romney" and I'm just over here like "I love whiskey and beer"

   Quit blaming your parents for everything wrong in your life... Be grateful they saw you through your teeenage years and didn't kill you

   Dominos: “We spent 3 years perfecting our pan pizza dough.” Dude, its flour and water…

   if you're on a flip phone in your profile picture, it's time for an update...

   Toilet paper is a lot like money... You never seem to have any when you need it most!

   it's funny a year ago everyone was panicking about the end of the world in 2012, now we're only 2 months away and no one cares

   did yuo konw taht as lnog as the frist and lsat lteter is in the rghit palce you can sitll raed tihs?

   Nobody's perfect ..... My name is nobody

   Just lookin' for some nice buns! You know, something that won't make my wiener look small!!

   Wife: Wanna go to the make-up store with me? Me: Uuuuuuuhhh no. *This tweet was written from the make-up store*

   It's Eminem's birthday. Happy birthday to the whitest black guy on the planet.

   You can't deny chemistry. Some people just belong together...you know, like flies and shi t.

   I am the kind of guy, who, if you hold your cigarette far enough out the window, I'll take a puff off of it.

   Dont study me,,,,you wont graduate!!

   I'm so straight that I eat my hotdog from the middle.