Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She : "Are you asleep?" Me: "No, I'm just looking at my eyelids."

   Apparently the person in the next stall doesn't want their feet tickled.

   My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that sh!t.

   The silence that occurs when I'm waiting for my little sister outside the playground, and a mother asks me "What child?" and I answer, "I have not decided yet ..."

   She removed her jeans threw it to me and said ``Make me feel like a woman``... and I removed my trouser threw it 2 her and said ``wash them both...

   I remember one time when I was high... I asked a cat if it could talk. It replied Me? How?

   I hate it when kids think I don't care about whatever the hell they were just talking about.

   I do not have a drinking problem... people without arms have a drinking problem.

   There are hundreds of ways to make a woman happy and only one to make a man happy: LEAVE HIM ALONE.

   Dumping a whole can of kernel corn in toilet just to freak out the morning office staff....

   In dog beers I only had one.

   Why doesn't someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it's toasting.

   I'm going to take you to a place you've never been before! Brewhahaha

   Joe Biden reminds me of a drunk hobo ranting on a corner for a free beer.

   wants to attract a lot of guys this halloween so I'll be dressing up as a case of beer!! Burrrrrrp

   I really want to attract a lot of girls this halloween. So I'm dressing up as a Nutella jar

   Febreeze should make underwear.

   Just bought a Hyundai but it's sonota big deal.

   Aren't you glad you no longer have that “Call Me Maybe” song in your head? Oops. Sorry.