Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   finally as many Tour De France titles has Lance Armstrong!

   The two greatest feelings in the world are the birth of a child and peace of mind of not having any kids.

   I think one of my socks is pregnant :/

   Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead, and then I remember I'm thinking about you.

   I can bench press three times my body weight in dead hooker.

   Turn the time release off on my morphine drip so I know your love is real.

   I've never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.... :D

   If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires s*ck co*k? Oh wait, Twilight.

   A man's a woman's best friend.He'll never let her down,comfort her after a bad day,inspire her to do what she never thought she could.He'll enable her to express her deepest emotions, & enable her to be confident & sexy. Wait it's wine that does that, n

   A real man is a woman's best friend. He'll never let her down. He'll comfort her after a bad day. He'll inspire her to do things she never thought she could.He'll enable her to express her deepest emotions.He'll enable her to be confident $

   Boy: Do you like parties? Girl: Yes, why? Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!

   I'm sorry. I didn't hear a word you said because you are an adult with braces.

   I see you Monday and I ain't Scared !

   Life is better after having sex. Or when you know you're about to have sex. Or when you know someone is dying to have sex with you.

   So Apple makes the iphone larger, the ipad smaller (ipad mini) why not just switch names on them and call it a day?

   How many times in your life have you said HE or SHE is the one only to find out that you were mistaken?

   Scientists have discovered why some female spiders eat their mates. According to the data analysis, it turns out the male spiders deserve it.

   b#tches are like Monday's - nobody likes them but everybody has to deal with them!

   What is this Gangnam stle everyone is going on about? And can I use it in the bedroom?

   Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.