Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This pill bottle says 'Take with plenty of fluids' and 'Don't take with alcohol'. That doesn't even make sense

   When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch

   Sometimes you have to drop a baby to establish dominance.

   Im actually going as Gary Johnson this year and protecting the children from kidnappers and bringing joy back to halloween

   Oh, when I'm at work I wear my phone on my belt and I am a douche, When Batman does it, Its a bada55 utility belt... Double Standards.

   I'm going as a undecided voter this year.I'm going to be the one to pick out everyone's candy for the next 4 years.my candy choice will be made on little facts and zero intellectual reasons,leaving everyone to have terrible candy for 4 years.

   No officer my speech isn't slurred, i'm just talking in cursive.

   whaa? Today's not Saturday?? Guess I better stop drinking and get to work, then!

   my moral compass is whichever direction my d ick points

   Door shoppoing is harder than I thought. They all have knobs in the glory hole...

   this year, I'm giving out pizza delivery coupons. Who wouldn't want a free 2 liter or 2 mediums for the price of one??

   I just watched a video of a guy getting his nuts cut off. I can't believe I did that. Why do I even still have my wedding video, anyway?

   I was at Home Depot looking to get a doorknob so I asked a girl to help me. She said she was a "knob specialist" and now I'm with security.

   "who are you?" --- "Im fine!"

   Life is like a carpet. Family and friends will always walk over you, and when you get dirty, the ones that clean you up.....are the people that truly care for you.

   I have seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.

   I hate this place, as soon as I find my clothes, I am leaving.

   All your depressing status es are cheering me up. Thanks, ...Keep it up.

   Whenever I return a book to the library,,, I leave a bookmark on the last page & yell "SORRY, I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO REWIND IT!" then run away..

   Dear Tylenol, as a Father, I can respect the fact that you make your products child-proof. However, as a consumer with a splitting headache, I hate your fricken guts 'cause I can't open the damn packet with my fingers...