Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.

   Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status.

   No, my friend, you may not borrow a condom because the word borrow implies that you plan to return it.

   dreamed I fell asleep at work and it freaked me out when I woke up there.

   Had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O'Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook & pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.

   Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off.

   You know when you are about to say something, but that little voice of reason prevents you from it? Explain this to me, people like you fascinate me.

   I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net a years supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   A girl picking up the phone in the middle of sex is a free pass to get weird.

   I may forgive, but rarely forget. Ok, sometimes the details get hazy but otherwise I'm like a skinny elephant with some serious suspicions.

   If you attack me you better kill me......because I've never been in a fight and will probably sue.

   Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multi tasker.

   Co-worker keeps asking me what's wrong so I told her I'm irritated because some idiot won't quit asking me what's wrong.

   At the end of each day I ask myself, "Where's my damn Oscar for that?"

   The way I bend the rules should qualify as yoga.

   I consider myself a hopeless romantic because I only fall in love with women who are out of my league.

   I really miss childhood. You know, sometimes I pee on my bed just to remember what it's like.

   I heard Amish black dudes have the biggest beards.

   I have a really sexy body and you can have your way with it if you help me bury it afterwards.