Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had a daughter I would want the same for her as any parent would want. A sex tape, a reality show and a perfume.

   Scientists predict that at the rate the polar ice caps are melting, Nicole Kidman's face will unfreeze by 2015.

   I wish somebody would come back from heaven and tell us how to pack.

   It's time to be concerned about unemployment when attractive people start losing their jobs.

   I just found out my cleaning woman was shot by her nephew. And I have no idea where she hides the mop.

   Single women, you know that dress you're thinking of wearing tonight? The really tight, short one? Throw it out.

   I'm sorry, just because you're my next door neighbor doesn't give you the right to ask me how my day is going. Sod off!

   Someone from China just won the Nobel Peace Prize? That must be some pretty good fried rice.

   Considering she died three years ago I think Barbara Walters is amazing on "The View."

   I just read Cubans can travel abroad more easily now. I hope they know they can't use buttons and chicken bones for money here.

   Hey, how about making a normal face when you sing?

   It's not cheating if she's there too.

   I miss those good old days when you were just another stranger.

   I just watched a grown man chase a rabbit for 5 minutes. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in this town that's not a window licker.

   The gas pedal is my therapist.

   My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.

   California leads the nation in Marijuana production and Bigfoot sightings. Coincidence? I think not.

   1. Does she change BFFs often? 2. Does each friendship end acrimoniously? 3. Is it never her fault? If yes to all, CONGRATS! She's a bitc h.

   I miss the 80s when everyone wasn't such an oversensitive online twat!

   Hurricane Sandy has been found in a New Jersey swamp. Two bullets behind the ear. Hands tied behind her back. Thank you, Tony Soprano.