Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinking...there are times not to flirt. When you're sick. When you're with children. When you're on the witness stand.

   Below is the list of foreign countries helping the United States with Hurricane relief: Click >HERE< to continue to next page. (Funny how we are ALWAYS there for everyone else.)

   Atlantic City Casinos are losing $5,000,000 a day being closed. I guess the "House doesn't always win!

   Smoke alarms going off. Guess the wife's cooking is done...

   NYC Shine on you crazy diamond

   So I think Cris Christie and Obama driving around to look at bridges is O.K.,,, but when do they start solving crimes?

   Don't get my attitude confused with my personality. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.

   After 2 million years in existence, the pinky finger reveals its true purpose: supporting the bottom of our phones.

   After taking LSD last night I hallucinated that I was a very well educated giant. And they say taking drugs doesn't make you big or clever.

   There's nothing more annoying than the sound of someone you don't like eating. Actually scrap that - There's nothing more annoying than the sound of someone eating!

   I wonder if Disney is gonna make the Epcot Center look like the Death Star now

   Scientists: Red heads are more prone to skin cancer. Rest of the world: No s hit nerd...

   Well I smell my wife cooking dinner. It's times like these when I wish I had a dog.

   If you step out of the car & behave like a complete 2year old then you better have a bumper sticker reading 'Baby on Wheels!!'

   How will we know when Adele has had the baby?

   If I had a daughter I would want the same for her as any parent would want. A sex tape, a reality show and a perfume.

   Scientists predict that at the rate the polar ice caps are melting, Nicole Kidman's face will unfreeze by 2015.

   I wish somebody would come back from heaven and tell us how to pack.

   It's time to be concerned about unemployment when attractive people start losing their jobs.

   I just found out my cleaning woman was shot by her nephew. And I have no idea where she hides the mop.