Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girl: I wasn't that drunk. Guy: You put your iPhone in the blender trying to make apple juice.

   Three things cannot be long hidden …… The sun, The moon and The truth.

   Don't you wish some damn people could be like money, so you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and who are real.

   I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

   Girls dont dress for boys, they dress for themselves. If girls dressed for boys, they'd just walk around naked all the time

   Too bad Norman Rockwell isn't around today to paint scenes of people looking down at their smartphones.

   A Model you say?...More like a photogenic slut...

   I don't like using public restrooms,,,, Mostly because I've seen the public.

   Some mornings it's best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck

   Nothing says regret like the email address you made as a kid

   Life is way too short to have matching socks.

   Black chicks always saying a white girl is "trying to act black." Meanwhile, they have blonde weave and sky blue contacts.

   To me, drink responsibly means don't f?cking spill it

   Girls who say, "a lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers

   Well, with no shave November, Halo 4 and Black Ops 2 this month, I'm predicting teen pregnancy will be at an all time low

   I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.

   Bored? Send a text message to a random number saying: "Im Pregnant

   Driving down the road and I see a sign that says "Speed Inforced By Aircraft" So I went a little faster....how cool would it be to get pulled over by a plane?

   Million dollar idea; Toilet paper with the Quran printed on it!

   It has been a bad week for Elephants !!