Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem with frozen yoghurt is that it's not ice cream.

   Nothing says you will be in a bad mood all day like not having enough sleep. And by "not having enough sleep" I mean getting out of bed.

   I think about you all day & I can't wait to sleep at night just to see you in the morning. This is how I know our love is real, food.

   I bet there is nothing a hug from a panda can't fix.

   I wish I loved anything as much as Donald Trump loves to be relevant.

   Today is full of possibilities and I have a strong feeling none of them are mine.

   The only person who thinks I'm amazing just the way I am is Bruno Mars :(

   According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

   Your coffee was getting cold - Was the best excuse I could come up with after my boss caught me farting in his beverage.

   Breaking: Elmo taking over as the "special teams" coach at Penn. State!

   Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're in prison.

   Girls who say " A lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.

   Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in company fridge. Today I had a prawn sandwich named Kevin.

   "I wanted to watch football on NBC but this figure skating they're showing is cool too". --said no one ever

   "Who are we?" "Women!" "What do we want?" "We don't know!" "When do we want it?" "Now!"

   Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt - people writing on walls and worshiping cats

   Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last as long for fat people!

   I shot an Elephant in my pajamas.... How he got in my pajamas i'll never know.

   Childbirth...So easy even a woman can do it!

   I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.