Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With the rush to run out and stock up on Twinkee's, I've invested my money this morning into insulin. Who's a thinking?

   The sign at this Burger King bathroom says employees must wash hands. I've been waiting for them to come wash my hands for an hour. Nothing.

   Dear Men. When a woman is upset, don't ask her what's wrong, but for GODS sake don't not ask her what's wrong either. Hope this helps.

   We have 187 friends in common and I still have no idea who you are...

   Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

   Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.

   Further proof the Mayans were right. Hostess goes bust while Little Debbie flourishes.

   The only thing better than living a mundane, boring life is writing about it on the internet.

   Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.

   Inspirational stat us: Today's probably going to suck. Don't be a little b*tch and handle that sh*t.

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen.”

   I get really excited when scrolling through the channel guide and see "Beverly Hills" out of the corner of my eye, then I notice it's 90210 instead of Beverly Hills Cop.

   I haven't wanted a Twinkie in years.... until I was told I couldn't have them anymore.

   Ready, Set, Weekend !

   We got it own to a science. You keep sending those facebook invites, and I'll keep declining 'em.

   Dopers all over the United States morn as Hostess announces it is shutting down operations. No more sno-balls, Twinkies, King Dons, and other comfort foods. On a brighter note, stock in Cheetoes has gone thru the roof!!!!!

   Just a thought but if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie problem?

   The best moves in life are made in silence. Don't talk about it. Just do it and let them talk about it. Failure talks. Success walks.

   The people of Colorado and Washington State are opting for a less traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year: Turkey. Pot. Pie.

   So much for my plans on surviving the zombie apocalypse on twinkies.