Funny Status Messages
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Honey, I'm lookin' at the 1,500 pictures of yourself that you posted on Facebook.. but where's the one of your self-respect? 
As long as my girlfriend and I aren't fighting, we like sit down on the couch and get into a nice, long argument.
Don't try and fix me, just love me dammit!
"Can I get you some tea?" -- old guys with ponytails
Taking my car to the mechanics today...if only I could just get it drunk and the problems would go away.
I heard my first holiday ringtone this morning while waiting for coffee. If anyone asks, I was with you guys between the hours 7 and 10 am.
Just saw Ke$ha perform on the Today Show and I'm pretty sure I have gonorrhea now.
Bud, try using a tampon to keep those pathetic "missing you" emotions from flowing out of your mangina
One Cup Of Coffee, A Dash Of Milk, and A Half Pound Of Sugar! Thats How I Roll!
You haven't experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish
"When I was a kid, we didn't even HAVE the internet!" is the new "I had to walk to school uphill, BOTH WAYS!"
''Send me a pic'' never fails to ruin a conversation....
i think before a member of congress makes a speech they should be drunk ....that way they wont lie
Those girls who think every guy wants them. Not really.
After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyway.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
my wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she's bluffing...
The Twinkee may be reborn, Mexican company El Grupo Bimbo may be the new owner and manufacturer. Will this mean the vanilla cream filling will be replaced with Guacamole or Salsa ?
Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right.... Me: yes, if I thought you were right, we wouldn't be arguing...
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs... 