Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog just told me he's been faking his leg humps.

   This guy across the street does nothing but baby his car. OCD. Obsessive Car Detailing.

   Tom, an 80 year old man, failed the mandatory Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today. One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "Damn big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

   I noticed last night that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.

   the doctor says go to the gym but he doesnt say to step inside it....theres a Chick-fil-A next to the gym at the mall

   My sleep number is Bacardi 151

   We'd be the perfect couple, if you'd stop spraying my eyes with mace.

   Thanks to Obama i'm at the supermarket buying my Marie Calender Thanksgiving Turkey dinner.

   I'm dreaming of a tight Christmas!

   my son's Elmo doll just grabbed my junk. Can I get in on the lawsuits??

   I really, really, really enjoy being off of work.

   Come to think of it, the sinking of the Titanic was probably viewed as a miracle by the lobsters in the kitchen.

   Honey, I'm lookin' at the 1,500 pictures of yourself that you posted on Facebook.. but where's the one of your self-respect?

   As long as my girlfriend and I aren't fighting, we like sit down on the couch and get into a nice, long argument.

   Don't try and fix me, just love me dammit!

   "Can I get you some tea?" -- old guys with ponytails

   Taking my car to the mechanics today...if only I could just get it drunk and the problems would go away.

   I heard my first holiday ringtone this morning while waiting for coffee. If anyone asks, I was with you guys between the hours 7 and 10 am.

   Just saw Ke$ha perform on the Today Show and I'm pretty sure I have gonorrhea now.

   Bud, try using a tampon to keep those pathetic "missing you" emotions from flowing out of your mangina