Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never trust anyone with my phone. I mean they might tweet something inspirational and that's a risk I'm not willing to take.

   If you're ugly and you know it, put some makeup on, take a picture and add some Instagram filters and you're good to go.

   Scientists says the world is made of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons.... I think they forgot to mention Morons

   My coffee is so black it just rapped the lyrics of a Snoop Dogg song.

   Hey everyone, I just created a new game at the gym. You go up to a big body-builder, ask him if he wears a bra and wake up at the hospital.

   I never think about eating healthier but when I do, it's while I'm eating junk food.

   If Adele doesn't open a Sushi restaurant called "Rolling in the sea" then seriously, what's she even doing?

   People with "KEEP OUT" signs in their yard grossly overestimate our desire to come visit them.

   It's December! I guess it's time to pretend I'm putting up the Christmas lights... that I never took down from last year

   If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

   I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...

   A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.

   during the local christmas parade tonight, the local hospital had a float that read "more than a hospital"...yeah, they're also a morgue

   late at night, when everyone is sleeping, I fill up the bath tub with marinara sauce and pretend that I am a meatball.

   wondering..if you shouldn't go grocery shopping while hungry does this mean that you shouldn't go to the liquor store sober?

   The best kind of love is experienced when the person who touches your ass also touches your heart.

   You know it's cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it.

   The only foreplay I've been doing lately is turning the electric blanket on before I go to bed.

   The Hot New Toy this Christmas season will be "Outsource Me Elmo" Which is simply an empty box as Elmo's job has now gone to a Muppet in Asia.

   To all you dumbasses who don't like my post... I don't like yours either!!!.