Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What doesn't kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren't good enough for death.

   My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don't exist. He's busy vacuuming now.

   to do list: 1. win powerball 2. delete Facebook account

   How was I supposed know she was ugly? She had big titties.

   I followed my heart and now I have multiple restraining orders. B itches..

   Sometimes I think lonely and crazy go hand in hand.

   A lie is not nearly as bad as the insult to my intelligence.

   *Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat,,, not two cats in one.

   after 4 days with the flu, I think I've ended the worldwide shortage of snot...

   If I win Power Ball tonight....I'll spend the rest of my life in my whitie tighties judging people on the internet. So basically same thing just $550 million richer.

   Frankly I think there is more going on in the lab between the scientists and the sheep than actual cloning.

   how does taking a bath get me clean when the first 2 things in the water are my feet and a ss??

   Hey Scientists: Less sheep cloning and More making our world look like The Jetsons. Chop chop beotches!

   If ur gonna play the role of victim, make sure you include how you got the part...

   McDonalds should advertise their double drive thrus help people lose wait...

   enought with the lame lottery winnings posts. We all know you're buying an island, a jet, a mansion and a divorce. Except, you're just wasting your money like the rest of us...

   You can do better than you ever thought possible when you stop looking at others progress and be your own competition.

   My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry, which led to me playing a game of Uno.

   Well, today I realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob so nothing else is important anymore.

   Never punch a person with glasses, unless they're wearing just the frame with no lens. In that case punch the crap out of them.