Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a one-armed man shopping at a second-hand store. I was, like, 'You're not going to find what you're looking for!'

   WebMD says I have hypochondria... is that serious? :o\

   When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say..

   Life has no remote. You have to get up and change it yourself.

   success is not the key to happiness; happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

   You know it's going to be a bad day when you're told to "get your own sandwich".

   Some girls will stop speaking to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same cheating guy a millions times...

   it's 76 in Miami. Global warming or just sweaty Cubans??

   Dec. 4 1979 it was 91 deg. Was it Global Waring then too?

   Dec. 4 1079 it was 91 deg. Was it Global Waring then too?

   My coffee doesn't talk to me, and my Rice Krispies are telling me to do some weird s hit, so I'll let vodka make most of my decisions.

   Uh guys,,, I just checked the forecast for the week of Dec. 17th... Mon: sunny,, Tues: sunny,, Wed: cloudy,, Thurs: Rainy,, Fri: FIRE,,, Sat: DEATH,,, Sun: N/A

   I hate it when I don't know what I'm talking about and you try and correct me!

   I finally met someone that used the words, "Cray, Cray". Where do I put the body? My yard is full.

   If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing I'd like to do is see what I could get for it on Craigslist

   If a recipe has more than 5 ingredients in it, I'm not makin' it. Because, weed & lazy.

   Another pair of my socks are getting a divorce...

   I just found out why Heidi Klum filed for divorce. Against her wishes....Seal would balance, spin, and bounce her up n' down on the tip of his nose whilst happily barking and clapping.

   The mighty pancake village has been razed to the ground by my fork of Nom and I, its wielder..

   If I ever get a really exotic car I'm going to get a vanity plate that says something like "Bubble King" or "Tuna Money" so people could wonder what the hell I ever did with bubbles or tuna to finance a car like that