Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim Kardashian says she's heart broken after her kitten died from cancer. On the bright side, she's definitely in a better place now.

   “Pain management” is breaking up with someone that hurts you.

   If you can't do it naked, it's not worth doing.

   Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.

   My dog doesn't know I stubbed my toe and wasn't yelling at him, he's been hiding under the bed 45 minutes…I think he called the cops.

   Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled.

   Dude, if you've never hit the brakes while your girl was putting on lipstick…we'll never be friends.

   Times are short and Money is hard... Here's Your Effin Christmas Card!!!

   People will stop making small talk with you if you simply wear clown makeup whenever you're out in public.

   If we make a baby, I want his or her name to remind us of that magic night - besides, how many other Doggystyle Rumplemintz Daniels can there be?

   Dear Santa, Do not eat any cookies from Colorado and Washington this year.. May cause drowsiness.

   The soundtrack to my life would just be the sound of a single car door shutting. Every. Single. Weekend.

   You wouldn't think I've ever had a stroke unless you saw me trying to get my wallet out my back pocket while driving.

   not looking for Mr. Right... looking for Mr. Right Now

   Why couldn't that Down Under DJ pulled that trick on a Kardashian? Just saying, LOL

   OMG, I just got a bad headache, chills and I just threw up...I haven't the flu..my radio played a Taylor Swift song.

   Hey Mr. Australian DJ, can you play some funky cold medina now?

   it's not fair how a woman never knows what she's gonna get til his pants are off

   electrocuting the engineer

   Have you ever wanted to punch someone in the face simply because their laugh is so annoying?? Or is it just me?