Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Iran claims they captured a US drone which our government is denying. I think what the Iranians really have is my Turbo 2000 styrofoam glider plane I lost back in '96.......I threw that thing pretty hard.

   My girlfriend asked me "Team Edward? Or Team Jacob?" I yelled "Team Deathmatch!" And knifed her...

   My life has been brought to you by.............. "It seemed like a REALLY good idea at the time (Insert: "Officer", "Your Honor", or "Doc" here)."

   I DON'T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Vincenza...the name I've given this meatball sub.)

   We naming the printer in our office BOB MARLEY because its always JAMMIN'

   In Dec, cops should take off the blue lights and make them green. It's more festive... Like getting pulled over by Santa.

   with the upcoming end of the world quickly approaching, in lieu of Christmas cards this year, I have sent out checks out to all my friends in the amount of $1,000,000 post dated 12/22/2012. Good luck finding a bank that isn't under water everyone!

   Choosing someone based on their looks, is like picking a Christmas gift based on the wrapping paper.

   The world is ending in 16 days and I still don't know what I'm going to wear

   You are not living right if you have never been slapped with at least one restraining order in your life!

   Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.

   I sleep on a mattress on the floor next to a cooler of beer that doubles as my nightstand so don't tell me about being "single."

   I don't expect a perfect relationship. I just need you to hold back my hair when I vomit and break up my fights when I drink whiskey.

   You were a lot more attractive before you posted pictures of your boyfriend.

   My pot never calls the kettle 'black' because I don't buy talking marijuana

   My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."

   Marriage tip: When times get tough, never tell a woman she needs to "sacrifice." Women do not like this term. Always say "prioritize."

   Throwing ammonia on pandas creates pandamonium.

   I have a thing for women with dark hair and dark eyes, and that thing is called a p enis.

   My Girlfriend is a terrible cook..... In our house we pray after we eat.