Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So let me get this straight. A woman who has fake hair, nails, eyelashes, breasts, lips, buttocks, as well as a fake tan also has the nerve to ask for a real man?

   Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.

   My favorite color is Nutella.

   I have to take a dump, but my iPhone battery life is at 5%

   i gotta carry my phone around with me 24/7 just in case nobody texts me

   11:11 I wish- 11:12 OMG I wasn't finished!

   Santa saw your Facebook pictures. …You're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas

   It's beginning to look a lot like 80s on my ATARI 7800 system

   Dear Coworkers, all I want for Christmas is you... to not talk to me before 9am.

   Showing your friend a funny video on YouTube and constantly checking their face to make sure they're enjoying it…

   i've lived through 1/1/1, 2/2/2, 3/3/3, 4/4/4, 5/5/5, 6/6/6, 7/7/7, 8/8/8, 9/9/9, 10/10/10, 11/11/11, and tomorrow is 12/12/12. I'm cool

   Whoever cast J-Lo in the movie "Anaconda" was a genius, because anacondas don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

   There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect.

   All I'm saying is black actors never adopt poor white babies. Pretty selfish, blactors.

   Now that I think about it, the Good Humor man never said anything funny. But, who needs a personality when you have ice cream?

   I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's been pounded more than the I in Pixar.

   A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

   I say "do I smell popcorn" right after I fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.

   I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips...

   If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?