Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey you know those Whitman's Samplers? I had a candy out of one called a Chocolate Truffle". I really dug the sample. So like, where do I get the big fu*ker?

   It's so cool you can make Facebook PINK!!! said by no one, ever.

   Inventor of the bar code dies at 91. Several burial attempts will be made before a manager is called to enter him into the ground manually.

   Not all of us are looking for masturbation, d*ck, or p*ssy jokes.

   I'm surprised the Pope didn't tweet from an Android, considering humanity and God's experience with apples.

   I went out for a jog but quickly came back 5 minutes later because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes.

   At first notice, the word "Diputseromneve" looks quite ridiculous. However, if you read it backwards its even more stupid.

   Think women are the weaker sex? Try pulling the blankets back to your side.

   Nothing makes me happier at work than walking into the bathroom and all the stalls are empty.

   Who remembers the 3 eyed monkey at the end of Jimmy Neutron that would say "Hi, I'm Paul!"

   I swear 2012 lasted for like 3 months.

   I told everybody at work that I've got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.

   Oh wow! Thanks for the newsletter, Hotel Chain! I'm just lonely enough to read this!

   Just had s ex even though I had a headache... Did you hear that Ladies? ...had S ex and had a headache... Nobody died...

   since Norman Joseph Woodlawn is dead, I wonder if they're going to put a bar code on his casket

   You seem crazy,,,, But let's buy tambourines and see how far we can take this...

   You're supposed to wash asparagus before throwing it away,,, right?

   My ex got run over by a bus today,,,,, I thought, "WOW,That could have been me!"...... But then again , I don't have a bus drivers license.

   there is nothing worse than a woman coming up with a nickname for your junk, getting confused and calling it Dad.

   a great way to get over someone: plan ahead. Make a list of their faults so if you breakup you can console yourself with their many weaknesses.