Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever have one of those days where you thought you had enough lotion on your skin, but got the hose again? smh...

   Donated blood for the needy since it is Xmas. Now I just have to find a Salvation Army bucket to put this Ziploc baggie in.

   Here's how it works. You have $ex, then nine months later you give birth. Seven years later, you flood my newsfeed with countless pics of these little "geniuses" who, in reality, are average at best.

   I can barely hear the songs on this Christmas station over the sound of the DJ choking himself with a belt.

   Just saw this chick texting and driving, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her. I'm keeping the streets safe one beer at a time.

   When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse

   This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.

   ‎5 Reasons I'm so good at procrastinating... 1: Ah, screw it. I'll do it later.

   Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk.. Unless you're crossing the border.. Then don't do that

   It is not appropriate to refer to Kwanzaa as "Blanukkah" or "Black Hanukkah". Please make the necessary corrections in your conversations.

   Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that you can effectively work as part of a team.

   My letter to Santa starts something like this: Dear Santa, My sister did it..

   Just got a peek at Santa's naughty list! Amazingly, it's almost identical to my friends list. Can't believe some of the things you people have done!

   20 minutes later, and I can't remember who I "sanded my wood" to. I have to find better imaginary girlfriends.

   I,m always a bit down this time of year,The wife said "could it be the alcohol,,,I said "JEESE,,,,,I,M DRINKING AS MUCH AS I CAN ,!!!!

   Waiting Until after Dec 21st to do my shopping ....why waste my money ?

   People hate the truth. Luckily, the truth doesn't care.

   When they came up with the phrase "loose lips sink ships", the captain was getting a blow job.

   Some men look for easy women. Some women look for easy money. I'd just like to find someone who won't stab me in my sleep.

   DIVORCE: From first date to court date; you never see it coming.