Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kate Middleton's fetus is already richer than I'll ever be. :(

   With the "end of the world" coming in 11 days I feel confident making a prediction.......September 2013 will have one of the highest birth rates on record.

   I'd rather watch a candle melt than play a game on Facebook

   A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

   Manny Pacquiao should audition to play the Dead Body on The First 48..

   Dear Santa, I plead the fifth! No wait... I drank it!!

   I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

   If I wanted to see American Horror Story I would just stalk the Kardashians

   Football announcers saying "penetration" repeatedly is my 50 Shades of Grey.

   Can't wait until they make odorless whiskey so I don't have to be embarrassed when I open my Gatorade at AA meetings.

   The transition from woman to cougar happens when you go from Marlboro Lights to Virginia Slims.

   My mother always said "if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all." I hope she's happy my mime career has taken off.

   I find nothing more frightening or upsetting than someone saying to me those "three special words"..."Welcome To Tennessee."

   Rihanna wants to take time off to have a baby. We all know who's "Hitting" it.....No pun intended

   Sorry, parents of ugly children on Facebook, those Christmas sweaters didn't help; just made them uglier in a festive way.

   The back of my ears smell like parmesan cheese.

   I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, The FedEx guy, and the Walmart greeter... C'MON MOM, KNOCK IT OFF! ツ

   Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they're easier to spot when I go through the bar's lost and found box.

   Dear Santa, is it too late to be good?

   My girlfriend just walked in and called me g@y. If my nails weren't drying I swear to god…