Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you post : finally Iphone 5 with a picture of the new phone attached ! I hope it will fall and break.j

   Car alarms would be a lot more effective if they sounded like two people fighting. Everyone would turn their had for that

   If you believe the predictions of an ancient semi-civilized tribe that the world is ending on 21st Dec, can you do me a favour? Can you raise your right hand and with the same hand b itch-slap yourself into 2013.

   Have you ever heard of soulmate? Like my soul wants to mate without your soul?

   Mayan Guy: Hey wanna beer? Other Mayan Guy: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.

   Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …

   To trumpet players died this past weekend......Guessing God is assembling the Trumpets for Rapture this Friday.....

   Sorry, I can't go. My sister's cousin's nephew's brother's neighbor's step son's hamster died today. It was tragic.

   To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

   The Mayans have predicted that the world will end on December 21st 2012. I keep thinking I should make some kind of preparation for survival. But then I've only just finished the last can of baked beans I bought for the Millennium Bug.

   Dear facebook event invite: I'd love nothing more than to travel 1100 miles to see your half a$$ed band play other people's music in a bar that's filled with 4 people. DECLINE!

   A man's phone is like a woman's purse. .. you never go through it.

   How many Mexicans does it take to build a.........oh shi*, they're done.

   The strongest drug that exists for a human is another human being.

   If I don't get enough sleep, I'm tired. If I get too much, I'm tired. And even if I get the right amount, I still need three pots of coffee.

   Day Off+ Get Nothing Done=Successful Day Off

   A giant spider just attacked the back of my neck and then quickly morphed back into my t-shirt tag!

   Just because I don't refute all of your crazy rants does not mean I agree, it means I have your feed blocked.

   Facebook friends are like Congress in that everyone is an expert on subjects and no one is willing to compromise their views.

   My ex-wife has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh... if you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean!