Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear English Majors: How did the word "Dingleberry" get it's name?

   Storage Wars is fake? What will you tell me next, that Taco Bell meat isn't real or that Santa isn't real?

   who cares how it's spelled or its scientific properties....to argue over it instead of drink it tells ur losers

   I was notified that I've been chosen to be the new "Adam" on Mars. They've selected an Eve. I hope to G0d she remembers to bring the snake and the apple.

   So let me get this straight. A woman who has fake hair, nails, eyelashes, breasts, lips, buttocks, as well as a fake tan also has the nerve to ask for a real man?

   Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.

   My favorite color is Nutella.

   I have to take a dump, but my iPhone battery life is at 5%

   i gotta carry my phone around with me 24/7 just in case nobody texts me

   11:11 I wish- 11:12 OMG I wasn't finished!

   Santa saw your Facebook pictures. …You're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas

   It's beginning to look a lot like 80s on my ATARI 7800 system

   Dear Coworkers, all I want for Christmas is you... to not talk to me before 9am.

   Showing your friend a funny video on YouTube and constantly checking their face to make sure they're enjoying it…

   i've lived through 1/1/1, 2/2/2, 3/3/3, 4/4/4, 5/5/5, 6/6/6, 7/7/7, 8/8/8, 9/9/9, 10/10/10, 11/11/11, and tomorrow is 12/12/12. I'm cool

   Whoever cast J-Lo in the movie "Anaconda" was a genius, because anacondas don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

   There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect.

   All I'm saying is black actors never adopt poor white babies. Pretty selfish, blactors.

   Now that I think about it, the Good Humor man never said anything funny. But, who needs a personality when you have ice cream?

   I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's been pounded more than the I in Pixar.