Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our business says Merry Christmas!

   A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are a$$holes." Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The second guy says, "No. I'm an a$$hole."

   if a hot guy is scared to talk to a hot girl, chances are his p enis is baby sized

   and...in Hollywood news, 2 people I've never heard of got married and 2 other people I've never heard of got divorced...

   You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the back of the couch and you're not even reading this anymore are you...

   I sure do act like I know a lot for someone who falls over 3 or 4 times per week while putting on underwear.

   Skinny jeans are like calories....easy to put on, impossible to take off

   I have a black belt in leather

   Hummmmmmm Chocolate - (Homer Voice)

   I know some folks who could use a 12 step program. Where 11 of those steps should be to the edge of a cliff.

   Call me a pessimist but I've already eaten the 22nd, 23rd, and 24th in my advent calendar.

   if you post : finally Iphone 5 with a picture of the new phone attached ! I hope it will fall and break.j

   Car alarms would be a lot more effective if they sounded like two people fighting. Everyone would turn their had for that

   If you believe the predictions of an ancient semi-civilized tribe that the world is ending on 21st Dec, can you do me a favour? Can you raise your right hand and with the same hand b itch-slap yourself into 2013.

   Have you ever heard of soulmate? Like my soul wants to mate without your soul?

   Mayan Guy: Hey wanna beer? Other Mayan Guy: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.

   Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …

   To trumpet players died this past weekend......Guessing God is assembling the Trumpets for Rapture this Friday.....

   Sorry, I can't go. My sister's cousin's nephew's brother's neighbor's step son's hamster died today. It was tragic.

   To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.