Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not the one to come to with weight problems. This girl's like, 'My legs are so fat.' I say, 'No, they're in proportion to your arms'

   My ex-wife said she was getting fat, had wrinkles and look old… So I said “But your eyesight is perfect”

   The only way your world is ending on the 21st is if you get married that day.

   If you can spell chlamydia or gonorrhea without spell check, my money is on you having had it a time or 10 too many.

   I "don't lock my phone," love you.

   Ever notice how white women over 40 can't dance without clapping?

   Ladies: When you paint your toe nails, please shave the hair off your big toe. Thanks.

   Don't mistake post sex cuddling for “I want you to be my girlfriend.”

   Just yelled at the kids to go to bed, saying "Don't make me come in there!". Which is what I should've told myself during their conception.

   let's get married but instead of kids we have nachos!

   95% of my problems can be traced back to waiting on a man to do the right thing.

   If I get a teardrop tattoo, do the welfare checks come to the house or is it direct deposit?

   I'm bored. I think I'll get pregnant.

   Just renewed my annual parking pass for the friendzone.

   When my boyfriend couldn't get me off last night, I slapped him in the face and yelled, "See! This is why you can't have nice things!"

   Relax. If the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.

   Maybe the Mayans meant it'd be the end of shows like Idol, all things Kardashian & every reality show with "Wives" in the title.

   despite the contradictory advice circulated in the late '90s, if you wanna be my lover, please do not get with my friends.

   Instagram says it now can sell your pics without your permission. Good luck making money with pictures of Cups of coffee, Cupcakes & clouds.

   Gangnam style should hit 1billion YouTube hits by 21st December. .. well played Mayans