Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you need an assault rifle with 30, 50, or 90 round clips to protect yourself maybe you just suck at protecting yourself.

   Just got a belly piercing. It's a mistletoe, I don't want any confusion on where I want your lips this Christmas.

   if these damned Mayans are wrong, I'm gonna owe a lot money and will definitely have to return the Lamborghini!!

   I just want to say "MERRY CHRISTMAS" to everyone, well everyone but you. I shaved my nutz for you and you just left me to die a VIRGIN!!

   Anyone know when the next end of the world is?

   ... This is Lawrence, Kansas... Is there anybody out there?... Anybody at all?

   the world didn't end today?!?! Boy do I have a lot Christmas shopping to do now!

   Wow, I cant believe it!!! Not one single post on my wall today about the world not ending.....said no Facebook user ever..

   I hate when college professors make you introduce yourself to the entire class.

   So what, if Mayans got it all wrong, its not the end of the world!!!

   Whenever you feel stupid, just look at the trending topics on twitter. There are always people dumber than you.

   Ladies, lets face facts, the only real guy friends without ulterior motives are g@y.

   For Jesus' birthday, I bought other people a bunch of stuff.

   For me the end of the world was when I had to start working for a living.

   I like to watch Chinese p orn at night and I put it very loud so that my neighbors think that apart from having sex I can speak Chinese too.

   I have no idea where I'm going and I like it that way. It's called living.

   I'll start to believe that video games create violent killings the day someone gets arrested for killing a pig by catapulting a bird at it

   The next time you come across a Mayan making a calendar, leave him the f*** alone!

   I spent all my money last night on strippers and beer thinking the world was ending... now what

   embarrassed the world didn't end today. Now I'm awkwardly sitting at my desk without pants...