Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In 10 years I'm opening a lower-back tattoo removal clinic called 'Mom What's That?'

   F.Y.I. ~~ hand jobs from girls who speak sign language....do in fact, count as blow jobs

   My wife's mother was here for Xmas dinner. My youngest says to me, "Hey Dad! When are you gonna do that trick?!?" "I said, "Do what trick?" He goes, "You know. You said if granny comes for Christmas you'd climb the walls!"

   obamacare is communism described as Health insurance.

   Well played, anti-theft hotel hangers. But I took the rod too. Your move.

   Tell me where I stand so I can decide what to do with this grenade.

   Do these sweatpants and 5 extra pounds make me look like I'm in a relationship?

   Marriage is probably the most sincere way to tell somebody, "I want to smell every dump you take for the rest of your life."

   When I was kid, werewolves and vampires were scary. Now everybody wants to date them...

   This New Years should be the best ever...At midnight I plan on plunging over the "fiscal cliff" with only a party hat, kazoo and a "fiscal parachute" made from 4,000 Sham-Wow's. ツ

   If you received a Christmas gift, but you didn't p ost a picture of it on your FB wall, did you really receive a gift?

   I guess the Mayans were Republicans, that would explain everything.

   Jesus went to a dinner party on thursday, he woke up crucified on friday and he resurrected on sunday. Sounds a lot like my weekends.

   if George Takei starts asking a lot of questions does he become "curious George"?

   B*tches be like "like if you're awake" and I'll be like "b*tch, it's only 11:23"!

   Fire can be a faithful servant, like when cooking S'mores or raining down on 'Charlie'... ~~ Seymour Skinner

   so, Congress has known about this "fiscal cliff" situation for 2 years now and all of a sudden it's a crisis???

   Arguing with strangers on the internet is like the Special Olympics. You might win, but you're still retarded! :)

   I liked Seth Rogan better when he was George Costanza...

   Turning over a new LEAF doesn't mean I've changed~I'm still the same TREE~Jus using different branches to feel the sunshine in life~I've had enough of the shade