Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well, time to get dressed and go Christmas shopping. What time does Walgreens close?

   Not setting my expectation high this Xmas, since I shall not be kissed under a mistletoe I shall accept to be kissed by a camel-toe.

   For the ladies who have walking naked the whole year, tomorrow is your last day to get some decent clothes.

   Headed out and about shopping, maybe the mall and trying out my new Mistletoe belt buckle!!

   Always Remember, If CHRISTMAS Isn't Found In Ur Heart, You Won't Find It Under A Tree..

   Dear Santa, Please send your credit card numbers. it's only fair since you're getting the credit for the gifts, that you should start paying for them also.

   Yeah so, the only thing I wrote on your facebook timeline was Happy Birthday!!! I put three exclamation points. What else you want?

   I love eavesdropping on people's private conversations. Always hoping I hear something that leads to me foiling a terrorist plot.

   The heart wants what it wants. To pump blood to the rest of your body. Oh and for you to stop blaming it for your stupid actions.

   If you think this years elections were nasty think of the ones in thirty years when all of the candidates had a Facebook their entire life.

   The stores have done such a great job with their displays and merchandise..cant wait to see the kids faces tomorrow when they find their easter baskets, shamrocks and valentines under the tree.

   After spending most of Sunday wrapping presents I've decided next year everyone gets square present

   Tip for the ladies: If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don't tell him you have a boyfriend. They don't care.Tell him you have a pen is.

   Sometimes I cry when cutting carrots because I don't want onions to think they're ugly or something.

   My buddy asked me, "What are 5 things you would take with you in a zombie apocalypse?" I replied, "That's simple. 5 people slower than me!"

   Some people suffered in their youth which helped them succeed later in life. For example, if Bill Gates had gotten l@id in high school, there would have been no Microsoft.

   I haven't had a cigarette in 11 months. Did it on my own. My mom is trying to quit but couldn't do it by herself so she went to a hypnotist. She still smokes, but thinks she's a chicken.

   Lies, deception, self centeredness, greed, avarice....et al. Then there was the bad side.

   I would probably watch Iron Chef more if Tony Stark were one of them.

   WTH!!! It's 2 days until Christmas and none of stores have their Valentine's Day stuff displayed.