Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At a nerd wedding they don`t say, "I do." They say, "I accept the terms and conditions."

   after being ignored for 3 months, I've finally taken the hint!

   My friend said, "Dude, i'm drunk, call me a cab." I handed him a beer and said, "You're a cab." (true story)

   First rule of the fight club should be: "Do not eat beans before the fight"

   I guess since you can't adopt Russian children anymore, you will just have to wait until they are old enough to be a mail order bride.

   I live my life without regrets, except for that one time I said "I do."

   I don't trust people who have carpet in their kitchen.

   Everybody is somebody's weirdo.

   A stranger is just a friend you haven't alienated yet.

   Weird. Just set fire to the gym after they played "Gangnam Style" and when I told the cops the reason they high-fived me and gave a medal.

   The splash back from my morning shi t is the only shower I'm taking

   When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but as soon as I'm busy, BAM... still nobody texts me.

   Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

   Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.

   A woman's place is in the kitchen...bent over the table.

   Don't get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.

   Events like the death of the Indian gang-rape victim just help remind me why I hate humans so much.

   I wished I had a Med-Alert bracelet....I've fallen off the fiscal cliff, and I can't reach my Jager-Bomb! ツ

   You know it's sad when my phone battery last longer than some peoples relationships.

   I got batteries for Christmas. They weren't included.