Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Give me four hours with you and you'll know why god made you a woman.

   why do some people have a uterus AND a mustache?

   I wish there was a sarcasm font so people could read my humor and not be offended.

   My Dad just called to give me the "I'm worried about your drinking" talk. We are going to meet-up and discuss it over a few beers.

   My wife's safe word: "Not tonight"

   I may be on Santa's naughty list but at least I had fun getting there.

   No I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at what I think of you.

   I'm not allowed to have caffeine after 9 because midnight dance-offs have a high casualty rate.

   Well unfortunately this year again, I didnt get to buy any kid's gift on Black Friday. So I'm getting them the usual Xmas present. A big pack of batteries and attach a card to it that says "Toys not Included"..... It's the thought that counts right?

   Facebook is the most confusing dating site I have ever been on.

   Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

   After Facebook picked our minds for years...NOW it is asking How it's going?....how am I feeling? and what's happening? Is this some kind of psycho Therapy..?? Like · · Promote

   Quit asking! I know nothing about the missing cookies!... now, if you will excuse me, I'm getting a glass of milk!

   Apocalypse Update Day 2: Still here....... Damn!!

   Walmart.. The only place in America where you can buy a shrimp-ring, a wedding-ring, and tidy-bowl for a toilet ring in the same store.

   I tried writing one of those braggy, family Christmas letters,, but it just started looking like a suicide note.

   Yesterday, 'Gangnam Style' became the first YouTube music video to receive 1 BILLION views. Which makes yesterday the actual day the music died.

   Never trust a Chia Pet.....don't ask.

   Sometimes I like to challenge myself AnD exercise at the same time.... Today I made it an extra five minutes just by squirming around and wiggling my foot before I had to run for the bathroom........

   if there's too much sauce on the biscuit.. you better find another biscuit to eat! ;)