Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Okay, who is the jerk that decided to stop putting toys in cereal boxes?

   Coworker: How was your Christmas? Me: Fine Coworker: Aren't you gonna ask about mine? Me: Hell no!

   My favorite Kardashian is the one who dies first.

   This woman blowing me at the glory hole forgot to shave.

   Reading the bible doesn't mean diddly squat if you are gonna go ahead and misinterpret it.

   Why would two people admit they like each other when they can spend time playing "Let's see who texts the other person first" instead.

   Just saw a guy take the ice cream cone out of his kid's hand and started eating it, in case you're wondering how serial killers are made.

   Katy Perry looks like if an emoticon came to life.

   Everyone is a little more paranoid than they usually are when they're standing at an ATM.

   I strive to be like the ant - noble, virtuous, constantly at war with everything in the world around me!

   I won't believe Obama is black until he shows me his irresponsible father certificate.

   If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.

   A huge part of success involves getting rid of people that drain your energy and surround yourself with positivity.

   It's too bad religion doesn't have the same first rule as fight club.

   It's so weird how some people have memorized the entire Bible yet managed to forget that pesky verse about not being all judgy.

   One man's Facebook crush is probably another man's nagging wife or girlfriend.

   The Price Is Right losing horn should play every time you think you've found a parking space but it's actually filled by a small car or motorcycle

   This woman's so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she's not wearing a ring. Thanks hon, but wrong finger

   I can't sleep! I didn't forward a chain message earlier. Now I'm afraid that the dead girl will appear by my bedside while I'm sleeping : /

   my new pickup line "get in the car and no one will get hurt