Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How long do you have to leave the dishes sitting before they finally give in and wash themselves?

   Step 1: Attach a mustache to your TV. Step 2: Drink every time it lines up with someone's face.

   Slow drivers need to get out of the fast lane. Some of us are in a hurry to get home to be ignored by our wives.

   If you ever decide to commit suicide by jumping from a building, the least you could do is wear a cape first.

   Why pay to watch the new Twilight movie when setting yourself on fire is free?

   How to be happy on social media- Ignore what you don't like!

   The reality is that a lot of girls out there just aren't prepared for a nice, decent guy.

   Dear Slut: If you need 2 different guys to date at the same time, please don't expect me to be one of them.

   My love for bacon is kinda like diarrhea... I just can't hold it in ツ

   This getting up at a time I don't want to get up and going to a place I don't want to be is really starting to feel like work.

   With all of my soul I am wishing you cheer; Happiness now and each day of next year... With all of my heart I am telling you too; It's been my pleasure reconnecting with you!! Have a Wonderful New Year My Friends!!!.

   In 10 years I'm opening a lower-back tattoo removal clinic called 'Mom What's That?'

   F.Y.I. ~~ hand jobs from girls who speak sign language....do in fact, count as blow jobs

   My wife's mother was here for Xmas dinner. My youngest says to me, "Hey Dad! When are you gonna do that trick?!?" "I said, "Do what trick?" He goes, "You know. You said if granny comes for Christmas you'd climb the walls!"

   obamacare is communism described as Health insurance.

   Well played, anti-theft hotel hangers. But I took the rod too. Your move.

   Tell me where I stand so I can decide what to do with this grenade.

   Do these sweatpants and 5 extra pounds make me look like I'm in a relationship?

   Marriage is probably the most sincere way to tell somebody, "I want to smell every dump you take for the rest of your life."

   When I was kid, werewolves and vampires were scary. Now everybody wants to date them...