Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love eavesdropping on people's private conversations. Always hoping I hear something that leads to me foiling a terrorist plot.

   The heart wants what it wants. To pump blood to the rest of your body. Oh and for you to stop blaming it for your stupid actions.

   If you think this years elections were nasty think of the ones in thirty years when all of the candidates had a Facebook their entire life.

   The stores have done such a great job with their displays and merchandise..cant wait to see the kids faces tomorrow when they find their easter baskets, shamrocks and valentines under the tree.

   After spending most of Sunday wrapping presents I've decided next year everyone gets square present

   Tip for the ladies: If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don't tell him you have a boyfriend. They don't care.Tell him you have a pen is.

   Sometimes I cry when cutting carrots because I don't want onions to think they're ugly or something.

   My buddy asked me, "What are 5 things you would take with you in a zombie apocalypse?" I replied, "That's simple. 5 people slower than me!"

   Some people suffered in their youth which helped them succeed later in life. For example, if Bill Gates had gotten l@id in high school, there would have been no Microsoft.

   I haven't had a cigarette in 11 months. Did it on my own. My mom is trying to quit but couldn't do it by herself so she went to a hypnotist. She still smokes, but thinks she's a chicken.

   Lies, deception, self centeredness, greed, avarice....et al. Then there was the bad side.

   I would probably watch Iron Chef more if Tony Stark were one of them.

   WTH!!! It's 2 days until Christmas and none of stores have their Valentine's Day stuff displayed.

   I realized I'm too silly for most sex things. My wife was like, "I want you to throw me around in the bedroom" , I was like, "How bout you run around and I trip you!".....I figure its safer for the both of us.

   I had a circular driveway put in my front yard. Now I can't get out.

   As I was leaving work a coworker said “SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!” and now I'm slashing his tires.

   I regret I'm one of the billion a$$holes who watched Gangnam Style on Youtube.

   Step 1: Invite guys for big game Step 2: Slowly lower volume Step 3: Sneak in teacups Step 4: Eventually turn off TV Step 5: TEA PARTY!

   You could probably torture a woman by duct taping her mouth and making her apply mascara.

   No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.