Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so disappointed that a group of squid isn't called a squad.

   Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

   I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas, now I'm on the naughty list

   My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for a new bra.

   Heading into Wal-mart on Christmas Eve. If I don't make it out alive, I just want to say it has been great knowing you all.

   Bucket list #33: Get a mouse dressed as a pirate to sit on your shoulder while you hand out Christmas gifts,, Also he should pretend to steer you holding a potato-chip.

   We are going to practice this chest bump celebration until we get it right, Grandma... Quit screwing around at the bottom of the staircase.

   1: Turn on vacuum... 2: Fart as loud and long as you can.... 3: Blame smell on junk in vacuum bag.... 4:Twirl invisible handlebar mustache cause you're an evil genius...

   I avoid making friends by being honest with people

   It would probably make more Sense if they did our taxes 2 mths before christmas that way we can actually afford christmas.

   last minute stocking stuffer gift idea... knee-pads for the wife!

   My Christmas tree isn't the only thing that's getting lit this time of year.

   iPhone Users Warning: Texting someone that you want to kiss them under the 'mistletoe' takes on a whole new meaning when auto-corrected to 'cameltoe'. FYI ツ

   Well, time to get dressed and go Christmas shopping. What time does Walgreens close?

   Not setting my expectation high this Xmas, since I shall not be kissed under a mistletoe I shall accept to be kissed by a camel-toe.

   For the ladies who have walking naked the whole year, tomorrow is your last day to get some decent clothes.

   Headed out and about shopping, maybe the mall and trying out my new Mistletoe belt buckle!!

   Always Remember, If CHRISTMAS Isn't Found In Ur Heart, You Won't Find It Under A Tree..

   Dear Santa, Please send your credit card numbers. it's only fair since you're getting the credit for the gifts, that you should start paying for them also.

   Yeah so, the only thing I wrote on your facebook timeline was Happy Birthday!!! I put three exclamation points. What else you want?