Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The splash back from my morning shi t is the only shower I'm taking

   When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but as soon as I'm busy, BAM... still nobody texts me.

   Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

   Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.

   A woman's place is in the kitchen...bent over the table.

   Don't get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.

   Events like the death of the Indian gang-rape victim just help remind me why I hate humans so much.

   I wished I had a Med-Alert bracelet....I've fallen off the fiscal cliff, and I can't reach my Jager-Bomb! ツ

   You know it's sad when my phone battery last longer than some peoples relationships.

   I got batteries for Christmas. They weren't included.

   When I say I'm done with a facebook chat, that doesn't mean you can keep typing for another 20 minutes. It means I'M DONE CHATTING!

   i had a dream this guy apologized for everything, and then I woke up and put bird seeds in front of his building

   The absolute best way to get revenge is to sit back and watch while people destroy their own lives just by being themselves.

   If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you'd never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else's phone. Ever.

   Facebook is the best way to prove that you made the right decision when you broke up with that person you dated in high school.

   I smile politely when someone bumps into me while texting on their phone because I respect their right to ignore the world.

   I once bought shoes in China that said “made around the corner”

   You say “I'm sorry,” I hear “I surrender.”

   Fact: zoning out is your brain's way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   I met a girl last night who had Ed Zachary disease. Her snatch smelled Ed Zachary like her a$$...