Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw a guy take the ice cream cone out of his kid's hand and started eating it, in case you're wondering how serial killers are made.

   Katy Perry looks like if an emoticon came to life.

   Everyone is a little more paranoid than they usually are when they're standing at an ATM.

   I strive to be like the ant - noble, virtuous, constantly at war with everything in the world around me!

   I won't believe Obama is black until he shows me his irresponsible father certificate.

   If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.

   A huge part of success involves getting rid of people that drain your energy and surround yourself with positivity.

   It's too bad religion doesn't have the same first rule as fight club.

   It's so weird how some people have memorized the entire Bible yet managed to forget that pesky verse about not being all judgy.

   One man's Facebook crush is probably another man's nagging wife or girlfriend.

   The Price Is Right losing horn should play every time you think you've found a parking space but it's actually filled by a small car or motorcycle

   This woman's so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she's not wearing a ring. Thanks hon, but wrong finger

   I can't sleep! I didn't forward a chain message earlier. Now I'm afraid that the dead girl will appear by my bedside while I'm sleeping : /

   my new pickup line "get in the car and no one will get hurt

   There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up... Unbelievable...

   I'm not sure who told bald guys they were required to have goatees, but they all fell for it.

   Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn't the right answer...

   Dear douchebags; Take care of your Ladies, or some A**hole like me will sure do it for ya!

   My niece and nephew are my choice of birth control. 100% effective.

   "I must say the end of the year has kinda dragged on without new episodes of 'HERE COME HONEY BOO BOO!' every week"