Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So, This 83 year old drives into a bar...

   Instagram... Where all guys think they relate to carl zeiss, and all girls are trying their best to look like total prostitues...

   italian food has many pastabilities...

   perfectly capable of lying about whether or not he likes big butts.

   I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy.

   Earlier today I looked at the car next to me, and I saw the driver texting while driving. How dangerous! I was so shocked I almost dropped my guitar.

   Please put this on your status if you know someone, are related to, and/or adore someone who has ADD or ADHD. 93% of peo oh snap is that a dog outside?

   Get me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy!

   If a typo appears in the dictionary is it officially a new word?

   that lesbo teacher from Glee would be more believable as Jack Reacher than Tom Cruise. At least she's 6'3"!!

   At a nerd wedding they don`t say, "I do." They say, "I accept the terms and conditions."

   after being ignored for 3 months, I've finally taken the hint!

   My friend said, "Dude, i'm drunk, call me a cab." I handed him a beer and said, "You're a cab." (true story)

   First rule of the fight club should be: "Do not eat beans before the fight"

   I guess since you can't adopt Russian children anymore, you will just have to wait until they are old enough to be a mail order bride.

   I live my life without regrets, except for that one time I said "I do."

   I don't trust people who have carpet in their kitchen.

   Everybody is somebody's weirdo.

   A stranger is just a friend you haven't alienated yet.

   Weird. Just set fire to the gym after they played "Gangnam Style" and when I told the cops the reason they high-fived me and gave a medal.