Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Started off 2013 right by hitting the gym bright and early, mainly because they wouldn't cancel my membership over the phone.

   I've counted 8 people so far whose New Year's resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?

   "All I want for Chrithmath is my two front teeth.... " - Mike Tyson

   can't they put some damn rails up along the subway tracks in NYC???

   So, I hear there was a big party last night to watch Justin Bieber's balls drop.

   going downtown to throw snowballs at random pedestrians in an,attempt to make a couple friends who understand what I'm going through.

   A friend of mine wants to set me up with her cute friend, but her friend is picky cos she has a kid, so I told her my name was "Jif" because we all know choosey moms choose Jif...

   I haven't had a drink all year! Unless you count those after midnight last night...

   well..... so much for my 'not killing time with Facebook' resolution.

   My dream is to wake up to 2 girls. One will say "good morning sweetheart" and the other will say "good morning dad"

   My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver.

   What happened in 2012 stays in 2012...

   I've just invented a wireless, battery-free, hand operated hair-dryer.....I think I'll call it a 'Towel'.

   HAPPY HANGOVER DAY

   For anyone interested , I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble from 6PM until I am escorted out by securuty

   Never ignore a person who loves you and cares for you. One day you may realise you've lost the moon while busy counting the stars.

   Somebody died last night, but I didn't, somebody didn't wake up this morning, but I did, I'm not lucky, I'm blessed

   My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.

   Contrary to what you may think, my moral compass is not broken. It just happens to be pointing toward hell

   I am not homeless but alot of homeless things happend to me.