Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just once I'd like to see a random stranger gut-punch the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

   WEIRD FACTS: If a cockroach touches a human, it runs to safety and cleans itself.

   My girlfriend said she has 206 bones in her body. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207

   Farted on the bus, 4 people turned around, felt like i'm on "The Voice"

   Forget the Mayan end of the world. Y2K is still on,just it was on XP....it's still downloading....

   when a woman gets what she wants, she no longer wants that...

   The reality is men have no idea what women want

   The Reality is: Nice and Decent is Boring. Girls want to be excited, thrilled, Led and still believe that their mate listens to them. Don't hate the players, work on your game.

   I don't know why Kim Kardashian never speak much about her brother Kim Jong-un the North Korean president, now since they launched satellite into space, I bet they will soon be beaming "The Kardashians" from the space.

   Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?"

   My wife is a mute. She communicates by embroidery. It's her own version of sign language, sew to speak....

   You lose the right of being a man when you hit a woman

   i just found out liquid dayquil has alcohol in it.. no wonder I feel so good

   Never hold your nose and cover your mouth while sneezing as it can blow out your eyeballs.

   How long do you have to leave the dishes sitting before they finally give in and wash themselves?

   Step 1: Attach a mustache to your TV. Step 2: Drink every time it lines up with someone's face.

   Slow drivers need to get out of the fast lane. Some of us are in a hurry to get home to be ignored by our wives.

   If you ever decide to commit suicide by jumping from a building, the least you could do is wear a cape first.

   Why pay to watch the new Twilight movie when setting yourself on fire is free?

   How to be happy on social media- Ignore what you don't like!