Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim Kardashian is reproducing. It's Kim's egg mixed with Kanyes' seed. Touche' Mayans.

   Apparently reenacting scenes from the deadliest catch is frowned upon at the Red Lobster.

   How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish? Mark Sanchez

   If your spouse was there for you when you were broke, and they were there for you when you lost your job, and they were there for you when the bank took your house, you should probably get a divorce and look for a new spouse because this one is bad luck.

   Mother: Clean your room, family is coming over. Me: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize the gathering would be held in my bedroom.

   Relationships are kinda like hamburgers on TV. They look good, but in real life, they're not that great.

   we only have 1 day left to make kony 2012 happen

   Guys be quiet I'm calling my mom!..... person in background: "PASS THE WEED!"

   I bet if we got congress high there would be so many solutions and a new budget for Doritos

   OK girls...we aren't ignoring you, we are not being disrespectful, we hear the phone ringing, we hear the text notification!! We still love you, thank you for all you do.....So go shopping or get your nails done, go out with the girls or get something wax

   Nicki Minaj looks like an unlocked character that you get on the last level of Mortal Kombat.

   Bourbon is the elixer of the gods. Therefore, I'm not an alcoholic - I'm divine.

   One of the hardest things to do when you're playing toys with a 5yr old is to let him beat up ur superman action figure with the robinaction figure he's using without explaining to him why that would nevereverevereverfuckinghappen....ever

   Girls who pretend to act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a brick

   Funny how people who keep saying "I'm always there for you" are usually the ones responsible for your miserable life.

   Being heard is something, but being felt is a whole different thing.

   As long as we don't let our feelings get in the way, this could be the start of something beautiful.

   My favorite dish at restaurants is the wi-fi password.

   Actually Ke$ha, I think the rest of us don't want to die young. But you should definitely go ahead without us.

   All these New Year's facebook invites. Go see a $hitty band 2,000 miles away. A smoke filled rednekk bar 1,000 miles away. Or stay home and get sauced with a hot blonde in a Frederick's outfit. What to do what to do....