Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let me fondle them with both hands in front of everyone so I know they’re real.

   Coworker: "I can't eat anything that looks too much like it did before it was dead." Me: "You sound terrible at sex."

   if Da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20125215-00854.jpg"

   If maxi pad commercials didn't exist,,, Men Still would have no idea, that girls are full of blue windshield wiper fluid.

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a confused 8 year old with aspergers reading the list of toppings at Cold Stone.

   Two things you should never do to a woman is lie to them and be completely honest with them.

   Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

   Pinterest lets people know things you like. For example… if you’re a man and you pin something, it lets people know you like men.

   Saw a beautiful set of teeth in Walmart tonight. Unfortunately they weren't all in the same mouth.

   Country music was much better back when they sang about murdering people all the time

   Well,,, You don’t see as many people in the third world with a ‘slow metabolism’??,,,, do ya!

   I think this buddy of mine is becoming really good at fishing coz all his neighbors call him a MASTER BAITER!....bravo buddy!

   Its all fun and games until the K9 unit shows up and they tell you to pop open the trunk ツ

   I'm so good at sleep, I can do it with my eyes closed...

   Sometimes when I don't want my wife to find something, I just put it in her purse.

   If you try to win an argument by comparing the other side to "nazis", you are worse than Hitler.

   1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, "It has to look like an accident." 4. Walk away.

   A girl was smiling and running with excitement towards me and at that moment, I knew…there was a clearance sale in the shoe store behind me.

   You're married and that's great but just so ya know I'm more jealous of the bachelor down the street who has no kids and own's three dogs."

   Even if you are surrounded by stupid insane people ,atleast you come to know how to refrain yourself from that ingredient needed to be the same. So ironically you should respect yourself :-P