Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband is so nice to our new cleaning lady. The house gets so hot during the day so he lets her wear a small skirt and a bra.

   I'm in the dog house.... so I guess doggie style it is....

   Today's date officially marks the twelfth day of Christmas....So, except for the Nine Ladies Dancing, Eight Maids-a-Milking and the Five Golden Rings...it's all going back to Wal Mart. Especially that squawking, annoying, Partridge in a Pear Tree.

   Yes Justin Bieber has millions of followers on Twitter. BUT just how many of those millions are not idiots?

   TODAY'S GOSPEL: The best way to get along with people is to not expect them to be like you.

   Roses are red, violets are blue... How much do your facebook friends know about you?

   Guy with the mothball smell p ost, you sir are one sick puppy.

   Whether you order a six-inch or a foot- long, both you and your sandwich artist are thinking about diks for at least a second.

   No, Microsoft, I'm not sending an error report because snitches get glitches

   I wish there were visiting hours in heaven.

   People always say moth balls have a very distinguishable smell... but I can never get their little legs apart

   So many 2 x 4's ... So few studs...

   If it tastes like chicken, keep on licking. If it tastes like trout, get the hell out.

   I just realized that since my birthday is in January - that means I was probably conceived on April Fools Day....that explains a lot, actually

   when the doctor tells me to start eating light does he mean I should start drinking a miller lite with every meal?

   I hope everyone stocked up on water and flashlights! This y2k thing sounds terrifying!.. I just read all about it in my doctors office.

   I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in january.

   Just ordered 78 copies of "Hoarders: Season One" on Amazon

   money does talk... it says "goodbye" to me a lot

   The wife says, "Tolerate" would definately be includued in any 2nd wedding marriage vows,,,