Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The human eye can distinguish between ten million different colours. But can my wife tell the difference between red and green? Four hundred quid for a new bumper says no....

   Masturbation is great. It wakes you up, puts you to sleep, relieves stress, and the only person who judges if you're good at it is yourself

   My "check engine" light came on while driving this morning, I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.

   Don't worry about horse meat in tesco burgers, cos its part of a stable diet

   Things I have noticed today: Horse meat found in Tesco burgers... and camel toe found in Primark leggings...

   Those Tesco burgers containing horse meat is nothing, my daughter bought something from there that contained traces of sh*t.

   Tesco's Quarter Pounders. The affordable way to buy your daughter that Pony she always wanted.

   kudos to Lance Armstrong for having the ball to come clean

   You know you have problems when you mentally click a "like" button every time you see something that pleases you..

   Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

   If the driving ability of people on the road today is any indicator of the future of society, we are doomed.

   I've just read read that Trevor Moore, the CEO of HMV, used to be the CEO of Jessops. I'm guessing that before that he was the navigator on the Titanic.....

   So Lance Armstrong admitted to using drugs but he won't admit that he used a car instead of a bike in all his wins.

   My boobs are nice so I don't have to be.

   Screw doing sit ups...teddy bears don't and everyone loves them.

   Having hemorrhoids isn't so bad. All of the itching gives you something to do with your hands when you quit smoking ツ

   People always ask me, where do I come up with my status', do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.

   I'm too tired. Go love someone else.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.